Thursday, December 30, 2010


Your really gone. There's nothing I can so or do... you don't even believe me. She's in your arms and my arms hold myself together. "Friends" is what you call us but it's been so long since I've heard your voice or seen your beatiful blue eyes.
I'm alone now. You don't want to be hurt anymore, my best friend... well he just doesn't seem to want to be around. & again my letters to Daniel should begin. But this time is different. I use to believe in these three boys. They were the light in my darkened world. But I now I prefer the dark for light holds too much pain.

Friday, December 24, 2010


"You . . . don't . . . want me?"
"Well, that changes things."

I can't promise you I'll move on, I doubt I'll ever will. But I promise to leave you alone. You won't hear from me again. I leave in a few months and this town will be nothing but history. At least I can say I have a year to look back on, maybe. Now the pain is to harsh to look back but one day I hope the pain will ease or I'll grow use to it and I can. There's nothing else left to my name, so at least nothing else can go wrong. Best of luck in all you do.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Unrequited love

"Love, Life, Meaning . . . Over."

The agonizing pain is overwhelming but worst of all I'm lost. Life holds no purpose because I fail every time.

Love has left me with broken memories. I wake up screaming reliving the lose. Such perfect dreams only to be interrupt by reality. This lovely dream walker though is nothing in comparison to his deep blue eyes and mesmerizing smile  in reality. Reality though is far away without love.

Life keeps going while the world continues to turn. Going through the motions I say and do the least to keep moving forward. But really I'm not moving forward, only away from my every dream. Friends try to ease the pain and they might make me smile but love is always in the back of my mind. Unrequited love that is.

Meaning? How can life have meaning without love? Where is the hope when love has given up on you? There is no meaning, plain and simple. Short and to the point. "I can't exist in a world without you."

Friday, December 17, 2010


I could just lay here
Give into to the pain
Let go of my fear
And go insane
the comforting cold
calls my name
But I have to stand bold
Walk away from the game
Face my demons
Pick up my pride
Forget these reasons
I use for a guide
Tell you good-bye
And do not cry
Just another lesson to learn
With a picture to burn

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Preface to my first book: Confessions of a Juliet

I feel as though I’m merely a character in a book or just another typical, over dramatic teenage girl. But I am so much more. I’m the twenty first century Juliet desperately trying to cling to my Romeo but this unjust society will not let us be. There’s nothing I can possible do to save us but to simply sit and wait. But how can I simply sit and wait when life could be ending. I’m not easily fooled; I have read about many star-crossed lovers and there are two destinies that lie ahead of them. One of course is the famous Romeo and Juliet who tragically die for love and two is Twilight’s Bella and Edward who overcome all odds and live happily ever after. I’m not sure I believe in fairy tales and sparkling vampires though.

Monday, November 22, 2010


I want leave and I want to leave now. what the hell is holding me here lies packed on lies. Mockery makes the rain pour down. My writing is everything, how could it be mocked? How can the very deepest feelings be thrown in my face? what is love if you don't believe in me and why the hell would you show your disbelief by writing? the one thing I love the most and you mock it? Well if you wanted to make me see how much of a screw up I really am, then good job. Such a jerk!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Worth The Pain

"This is the last night you'll spend alone look me in the eyes so I'll know you know I'm everything you need me to be"

My best friend and boyfriend are the most amazing guys in the universe. There is nothing better than these two guys; Id rather have them at their worse than anyone else at their best.  I don't agree with their stance on my new friend though. I realize their afraid I'll get hurt and secretly I'm afraid I could get hurt or maybe my friend. But to me its worth the chance of getting hurt and apparently they feel the same way or they won't still talk to me. I really don't know how he feels about our friendship but I realize true friends are the ones to keep. We both messed up but we're also both able to forgive and start over. He's my friend and that means a lot to me. He may be a pathological liar but hey I'm a crazy bitch! I love my boyfriend and best friend and I hope they soon understand how i feel and realize Friendship like this is Worth The Pain.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Second Chance

You and I walk a fragile line I have know this all the time but I never thought I'd see it break"

I feel like apologizing to everyone lately. The past is very haunting, looking back I can't even believe that it was me doing those things. Everyone was just a pawn in my twisted game. The aftermath though is a lose. The people I step over deserve so much better and I hate that they keep forgiving me. Can't they see I'm no good, that they are wonderful guys that deserve the best and not some twisted girl. I love my boyfriend and everything was going so well. The letters to Daniel didn't bother him at all but I'm sure the new responses do. I can't lose him, He is my other half, the one I love and everything important to me. But Daniel was an amazing friend that I... never mind that's not the point. What if we could be friends again? Love and Loyalty are put to the test, can I defeat my own game by stopping playing games or am I even worth the second chance?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dare Not Ask

I can't believe you've read these letters to you. I never expected you to keep this URL, never the less to graduate basic and look back at it. After everything I put you through I thought I'd never hear from you again. It what I deserve. Not saying It's all my fault but I could've been a better friend. I could've been there when you needed me but I was always to self conceited. I want to hope for a friendship but I will ask for no such thing. I simply don't deserve it and you have no reason to believe I have changed. I have though and there's so much I want to say but so little to actually say. Read between the lines though and you will see my heart is still breaking over  the bridges we burned. I see so much more in between your lines though it's possible that's just my ego. I want our friendship back so much but I Dare Not Ask!

**These letters are to an amazing guy I never expected him to read but he did and it scares me to know he could read this one too!

Sunday, October 31, 2010


wow you actually wrote me a message and to no surprise my boyfriend freaked out. Guess I was a idiot to believe he won't, again your right. And I hate being wrong. There was so much I wanted to say and so little I actually could say. Everything is so messed up in my mind. I care about you and want to be a better friend than I was but I really love him. He means sooo much to me and I wish he could understand what I'm going through. He could be the one, actually now I'm pretty sure he is. I'd love to discus that with you, it would prove how much I've grown. Again I have so much to say but I'm not sure I really can. It's all so confusing and the past is haunting. The things I did, the way I acted was unacceptable! I've hurt three amazing guys and have manged to stay friends with two of them but I lost you. I'm not sure I even want a friendship, mainly I want to hear your doing well. But I will finally admit, never mind I won't. The bridge is burned and I don't know that it can be Fixed.

**This letter is to a guy who will never receive it. We have burned a bridge that might not ever be Fixed!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Foolishly Burned

I hope your doing well & by the way thanks! I finally enlisted yesterday just like you said I would. I gave up on my self so many times but you never did, you knew I would make it. Everyone is so proud of me and I'm just eating up all the attention. I know though you'd be prouder than any of them because you understand everything I went through, in fact you went through a lot of the same things.
I hope the Navy is everything you hoped for and more! I hope you made lots of friends and excelled in p.t. and everything else they threw your way. I'm sure you did though you are amazing and have tons of determination. I wish we hadn't burned this bridge but I won't admit I miss you.
Things are Going Well here and I hope it is there too.

This letter is to an amazing guy you will never get for the bridges we Foolishly Burned !

Sunday, October 24, 2010


"When you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while... Cause your amazing just the way you are"

I was so worried with me going off to the Army we'd have to go are separate ways but he still says forever and always. It pains me to think he might have to give up his dreams for mine. I want the very best for the ones I love and I'm not sure I can let him give up his dreams to follow a crazy solider. I'm not sure he fully understands the sacrifice it takes to be with a solider. Why does love have to be a battlefield, why can't battlefields just be in wars? Cause now I'm gonna have 2 battlefields!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Speak Now or Take A Bow

"Cause I'm so mad I might tell you that's it over but if you look a little closer I still leave but all i really want is you to stand out side my window throwing pebbles screaming I'm in love"

He seems not to care at all about our future but If I know him then he is just hiding his true feelings afraid of getting hurt again. All my choices may not be the best and that's why I'm trying to look at this one from every angle. But without his perceptive I can't include him in the choice. And if he can't be in life choices, he can't be in my life. Love can fade and people move on though that's not what I want at all. That choice is in his hands and time is running out. Speak Now or Take A Bow to theater for your act was amazing! 

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thoughtful Words

So we went our separate ways and your no longer here to help me deal with my problems. Now I'm standing on my own two feet. I think you'd find that hot but I believe you'd see right through my mask. You'd know my instability though no one around me notices. You would be on the verge of telling my boyfriend he's a fool for not being apart of my decision because it will affect My life (that he wants to be apart of). You would have thoughtful words about it while I fail to say anything to him to help him understand. Guess now he won't turn into a pizza and Britt won't eat him. Though I could imagine the story behind that joke happening if you were still around and man would it be funny. I still won't admit I miss you cause it would make it true. But i wish you were here to give me the thoughtful words I need. I need my boyfriend to be a part of my decision if he wants to apart of my life but I don't have your THOUGHTFUL WORDS.

This letter is to whom will never receive it due to going separate ways but will never be Forgotten!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Risk Insanity

"I'm So Sick Of Watching The Minutes Pass While I Go Nowhere"

In light of recent events I've been skeptical about when to start my career. Before I believed I could wait a while and be in reserves. But the longer I think and more I learn it seems better to dive right in and go active. But my fears consume me during this choice.
This is my future... The weight is crashing down upon me. I see a path that may cure the insanity that crawls under my skin but if the path is deceiving I may drown in the insanity without my best friend their to guide me. I realize I must stand on my own two feet but the thought is still scary and the insanity is only shot back with his help and my boyfriend's support. Therefore could I leave them now? If not won't I have to do it later? Sgt. says I should do what makes me happy and this would but the "what if" scares me.
What if my insanity takes over???
Can or Will I risk losing it all if I could gain sanity?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Not Soon Forgotten

Today I thought about you and the day we had one year ago today. & though I know it shouldn't the memory brings a smile to my face. I should regret what I did but you know what, if I could go back one year I'd do it all over again. The whole day was fun not just parts of the day. I got out with friends and just had fun, no strings attached. It might have sparked more stupid decisions  and some I would change but this one I wouldn't. I won't admit I miss you, that would make it true and I just can't give into my emotions. But such a friend as you can never be forgotten. Yes we both made stupid decisions and had to go are separate ways but I wouldn't change a single thing...well maybe that one time we ditched school but then again probably not. Its a funny memory now that I look back and I can reassuringly tell you I'm not gay ha ha. I was wrong about loving you, I loved the attention and the way you made me believe that you knew where I was coming from. But I really did have feelings for , they just weren't as strong as I once believed. On the other hand You left a Impression NOT SOON FORGOTTEN

This letter is specially written to someone who will never get it. I have to stay strong and continue on my separate path and just pray that he is doing well ♥

Saturday, October 9, 2010


Here My Conclusions: I make my own choices, good or bad, and deal with my own Consequences. I may stray from my path at times but It's my path. I live my own life not what others demand of me. & Anyone who has a problem with that isn't needed in my life!

I can't be picture prefect like they want nor would I if the chance was available! I love my crazy slightly messed up friends. My boyish look is comfortable and my style. I screw up though and things don't always go my way. I understand they want what's best for me but I have to live my life. Cause the Secret is...
"Everybody Dies But Not Everyone LIVES!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

All Away

"Teach Me Wrong From Right And I'll Show You What I Can Be"

I don't understand the sudden insanity that's pulsing through my veins. Things were doing actually ok and then came these nightmares. I'm half awake for them all causing me a like of energy. Any little thing I have to do seems to hard to bear. With my dreams almost in reach will my insanity rip it All Away?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Note To Jealous Girl...

I understand you hate that you can't have my boyfriend. I don't blame you one bit Hun cause mine is beautiful and yours looks like trash. Everyone girl wants my boyfriend and your no competition looking like a cow!
I also understand you hatred towards my cousins and me. We are known for backing up our word while everyone knows your word ain't even worth a penny during the Great Depression.
Word of advice though, No one likes a Jealous Girl!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Best Ones

" Show Me What It's Like To Be The Last One Standing... Hurry Please I'm Falling"

My Mind is soo scattrerd I believe I'm going mad
"Am I Mad?"
Yes but let me tell you a secret...All the best ones are!"

I still despise her, I no longer have a reason but still I have the overwhelming erg to knock her flat on her fat butt. Saturday she'll be in my state and I'm seeing her fiancee. This should be a good show for the devil... Hope he has enough popcorn!

The lies are building up and soon will crash into reality. Fate laughs while I continue to run from three things that will catch up to me. Will I lose my mom, grandma and boyfriend???

I miss my friends, I need them. Mostly just the best friend. He always knows what to say but he is so proud I'm not crazy anymore, could I really survive letting him down again?

As you see I'm going mad and I don't believe I'm one of the BEST ONES

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Catch Me

"By The Way You Left Without Saying Goodbye To Me"

I look back and realize we did all we could to hold on but in the end we had to split up for we couldn't run from fate forever. Sure we wanted to and we might have even had the passion to but fate would've caught up to us. Yeah we still talk from time to time a state part and we're both doing our own things but sometimes I remember how it was to be together. Don't get me wrong, I only want to be with my boyfriend, but the thought of how close we were to how distant we are now breaks my heart.
But even worse I see it happening all over again. Our reasons for separating are slowly unraveling around my present day. I still want to run from fate and million dollar questions is when will fate CATCH ME!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

More Than A Fairytale

"Your the Best Thing That's Ever Been Mine"

Sometimes I feel discouraged and I lose sight of all that's right. Then I see your face and feel your touch and the world fades out of view. I never thought Id get close to anyone other than my best friend. I thought friendship was all life had to offer. Love seemed like a fairytale. Now I see your face and feel your touch and realize love is so much MORE THAN A FAIRYTALE all because of you ♥

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

After You

"All The Past Is Just A Lesson We Have Learned"

I caught myself thinking of you today wondering how your doing and wishing you were here to see how far I've come. Everything is different now from the shoes on my feet to my outlook on life. You were all I needed to see clearly, a person to not hold back and yell at me about horrid person I was being. Now I look back at the fight and embrace it for without it where would I be now?
People go their separate ways and letting go is just apart of life but I find myself thinking of you. I hope the Navy is everything you wanted it to be. And though you can't be here and my thoughts rarely turn to you, you've still got a piece of my heart. Weather it was all a lie or not is a skeptical topic but the good memories still burn my heart. I pray that God watches AFTER YOU.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Weakness Win

"I Don't Wanna Waste Another Minute Here"

No matter how well the day goes at the end the stress consumes me. Weather it's the lack of energy or the loneliness of the absent friends I scarcely see it always consumes me. Lately I believe it is resulting in stomach aches but I can't tell anyone that I'm depressed and that's most likely my problem. So close to my dream of army strong there's no way I will let my WEAKNESS WIN!

Friday, September 17, 2010

My Life

"You saw it coming but it hit you out of nowhere"

Got back home from my date and I feel terrible. His foster family was with us and the dad asked the most challenging questions and then reviled a heart breaking decision. My boyfriend has decided to join the Marines, most girl would be proud their guys going to serve the country but not me. That's always been my dream! I'm serving my country when I get out of college so where does that leave us? Two different services and places! That's why I don't attach myself to people cause they always leave. If that's what he wants I won't stop he but I won't let he stop me from joining the Army either for that's all I've ever wanted to do with MY LIFE.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Do You Love Me

"I braced myself for the good bye cause that's all I've ever known."

This last week was crazy. Sunday night some random guy sent me a im me on fb and told me about my boyfriend's other girlfriendS. I was shocked but wasn't to sure he was telling the truth. My luck Monday a random girl sent the same im. Now that hurt and I was devastated. I mean what the hell happened to Forever and Always dude. He called Tuesday and told me they were lying but it made no sense why random people would lie the same story. Wednesday was my 18th birthday and I decided to not think about it but he called and my heart melted. My cousin told me that they were lying on Thursday and I felt bad for not believing my boyfriend. Friday we went to the game together and had a blast. But today he spent the day with one of the girls he was "flirting" with. So it's like I love you but do you love me?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Shooting Stars

"It didn't fall in his lap so he ain't even here he pretends that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars"

It's been a while since I've been here. Between trying to get in the routine of college and trying to deal with my mental issues I've been left with no time. I'm back now though and I'm here to stay unless something else comes my way out of no where.

I miss my friends as they begin to fall away for I never get to see them anymore. I feel lonely without them everyday. I have people I see at school that I may say hi to but it usually doesn't go much farther than that.

But I'm not ready to give up, for I am not Ignorant. I know that Airplanes in the night sky are not SHOOTING STARS!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Home Is Hell

"I need You to know I'm not through the Night, Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the Light"

Everyone thinks I'm doing better and I guess I am making progress. I can go to school and be normal, like everyone else. You would never guess anything was wrong with me. My friends love hanging around and I keep my problems to myself. Their happy I can be OK, but they don't see it all.
When I reach my front door I'm the same crazy, chaotic girl everyone stresses over. Every things a mess and my emotions drive me to insanity. I barley notice the tears that fall. The music doesn't drown out the yelling. My brothers anger is to the point I hate being under the same roof and my mothers temper is equal. But there's no where else to go.
Where Do you go when HOME IS HELL?

Thursday, August 19, 2010


"Does anybody hear her, Can anybody see or does anybody even know she's going down today?"

My week was going so good. College is completely different. My best friend is coming home today and my boy friend wasn't ignoring but moving into a different foster home. Football game is tomorrow and I'll be with all my friends.
But the first sentence said was! I missed my shower this morning trying to finish homework for tomorrow (which I didn't finish) and being attacked by my brother. Then I had to leave to hang with my family and my brother wouldn't stop misbehaving. Doesn't sound like to horrible of a morning but I broke down. Got alone and cried, could barley breathe. Felt like everything was falling apart. I waited for the call to say my best friend was home but it's 10:30 tonight and he's still not home.
It's the little things that break me down and the ones around don't even NOTICE.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Will He Help?

Another day has gone by and sanity is hard to hold onto. A stupid argument over my weakness and letting go of what is already gone has got you ignoring me. It hurts because without my best friend home who do I have to talk to and hang with. I have casual friends I can say hey to and sit beside in class. A cute professor to look at but it's not the same. No one is as beautiful as him and no one or place makes me feel more at home then him. So without him here and my best friend at basic it's hard to stay strong. Old habits tempting me, telling me they can make the pain go away but it's lies. Lies could be more comforting though then the truth right now. My best friend comes home Thursday so I hope i can mange till then. He doesn't have to know my problems or anythings wrong I just want him there to talk to and hang with cause really who Else do i have? Problem though is emotions were high and the meaning of friendship was dangerously flirting with something more, so WILL HE HELP?

Thursday, August 12, 2010


I feel numb...
You Can only push me away for so long before I walk away on my own
I love You... Do you still love me?
If so then why keep things from me.
We use to tell each other everything and now you won't tell me anything.
I left an amazing friend to make things right, but was it enough?
Will it ever be enough?
Being with you is always fight... like were against the world
But I don't Mind as Long as you love me too.

"Your gonna miss me cause I'm getting DIZZY going round and round!"

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Fading Love And Numbing Heart

"Do I have your Love? Am I still Enough?"

This love is fading and my heart is numbing. Who knows what to think.
Well keeping things from your loved one might as well be lying!
Growing distant and shutting me out.
It gets worse when your away. You act weird but say every things "fine"
I don't want to lose you, I love you!
But baby how do u feel? Lately I'm not to sure how u feel.
And now you want to move back, where you act weird.
What to do? What to say?

"Do I have your Love? Am I still Enough?

Monday, August 9, 2010


7 more days till school. A second chance, a new start? lol Hell no. In a small town like this your reputation follows you forever. On the bright side only two more years in this hole in the road. After that the Army can take me where ever they please. I'm so ready to be gone but I've already proved I can't handle freedom. So I'm ready but need a lot of CHANGING.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


School starts in a week. My bff comes home in a week and my ex should ship off next week as well. When some doors close others don't always open and your stuck looking for a window.
That's what I'm doing. Nothing to look back on and the future is all a secret. I have no plans and I hate this place. Always have, I just want to get away but there's no where to go.
Just stuck searching for a WINDOW

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Airplanes Are Shooting Stars

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now"

I'm suppose to be over you but when I hear your hurting and your life is falling apart a tar falls. I wanted you to go to the Navy and live happily ever after. But from my understandings things are a nightmare and not a dream. I want to run right back to you but there's nothing I could do for you even if I did.

Still can't believe I lost you over the insecurities over a jealous boyfriend. Guess that shows a lot of his true colors. Not willing to forgive me when he is not perfect either.

I still wonder if you read my blog. You would now when it's about you, we just had that bound. You understood me and I kinda understood you too. I want to believe there was truth in our relationship but others say I'm crazy.

Thought I was over you but I guess I'm just pretending that airplanes are shooting stars!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Final Decision

Final Decision:
I am going to start a 30 blog. I will start by working on my lust. I will explain more in the new blog. Wish me luck I'm very nervous!

Will Power

Another day has gone by unused. Spent doing nothing without the energy to really care. I can say I'm doing better but my will isn't there. College starts in 2 weeks and I'm nervous.

My mom is starting to believe I'm depressed. What a joke! It takes her 10 years to notice something wrong, I dismiss it and she things nothing more of it. "Parents acting like enemies making kids feel like it's world war 3."

On the bright side my Best Friend comes home in two weeks. I can't wait to see him, I've been thinking about him a lot lately. He is the one person I trust and knows me inside and out. He is an amazing guy.

Still praying about the 30 day blog. It would help but I'm not sure I have the WILL POWER.

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Go or A No

So I've seen how far I've come since my depression has started. I'm not as violent and no more addictions. I still suffer from lust but am slowly working away from it. I'm becoming more dependent and realizing what really matters. But I'm far from healed.

I'm thinking about starting a 30 day blog. I know several people who have one and it works for them. I strayed from my path and I'm slowly turning back to God

I don't know if I'm ready for 30 days though. But I will keep you updated on the new blog. A go or a No.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I'm Done

"Someday you will wake up smell the break up Realize we won't make up"

Yet again I find you on my mind. You leave Tuesday and though we haven't spoken in weeks I find myself wishing for one more day.But I realize that one day would consist of:

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright cause I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright cause I love the way lie"

The lies were awesome and I will never forget them cause I still believe in my heart there had to be some truth in there. It's over now though and the friendship we had is gone.

"I don't wanna be like Cinderella sitting in a dark cold rusty cellar
Waiting for somebody to come and set me free
No I want to be like someone breathing...
I'd rather rescue myself."

And with all these songs blaring through my mind I walk away. Not because it's all that's left or it makes me seem strong but because holding on hurts to much.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Two Problems

When life hand you lemons
Squirt Lemon juice in your problems eyes!

Ok so that don't always work. When you love your problem, you then have TWO PROBLEMS.
I'm slowly falling away from my boyfriend of almost 9 months. Though its numbing it also breaks my heart.
God wants me to be with a christian and he is not. I'm trying to help him find God though.
I told him no more messing around and so far he is ok with that so far.
But the weed has to stop and he has to trust me.
I'm a tom boy therefore my friends are guys. They come first.
Boy friends come and go but true friends are forever!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Forget The World

Live. Laugh. Love♥

Never been my motto or my style. I live each day because I have to and laugh when expected. Love I know to well and the earthly pain within it.
Today was different though. Went over to a friends house I graduated with. He has a beautiful lake house him and his dad built. 3 stories and a man cave, which is his hang/ party room. Leather seats and coach wide screen tv with a ps3 and a home office.
Went out on his jet ski, which I'd never done before. It was really cool he took me to a rock jump and we went for a swim. It was very relaxing to be with him. We got back to the house before the storm and his mom invited me to diner.
Today was what I need to prove happiness is real. I lived today because I want to with an amazing friend. I laughed not because it was expected but because I had a good time and I love having a friend I can just get out and have fun with, be myself and FORGET THE WORLD.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Take Up My Cross

"Am I mad?"
"Yes but let me tell you a secret...All the best ones are!"

Sometimes I feel the insanity is wasting me away. Back against the wall to the world, alone and afraid. I stand tall though and pretend I can face them on my own. Then another blow hits and I'm down on my knees. While I'm there I bow my head and begin to pray. I find peace and sanity once more. I stand stand back up with the strength to take on the insanity. God is there and I'm not alone. I sometimes forget to fall on my knees during the good times and thank him and the sanity fades away again. I need the strength to always recognize him and TAKE UP MY CROSS.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


We made plans over a month ago for Saturday. I ask you again about it to Weeks ago and your still in. A few days ago you asked when you needed to be here. Now today your mother decides to be nice for a day out of your life and you voluntarily decided to hang with her Saturday and clean for her leaving me alone with plans. Such a lovely boyfriend to leave me ALONE.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


So I have all these things that are suppose to help me as I wrote in my last blog. Though I can't seem to do them. I want to just lay and do nothing so I do. I can't find the motivation to very much at all.

Plus the bf is really upsetting me. I know I messed to last month but will I ever get his trust back? I can't hang with my friends but you can smoke pot with yours. Guess our relationship is peachy perfect and that's not even counting today's lies.

Going crazy here and can't seem to fix anything. Maybe school will help. Less than a month till that. Or maybe I'm just BROKEN

Monday, July 19, 2010


I figured out what was wrong with me. I feel relived to know I'm not just crazy and I'm not alone. Depression runs in my family so good chances are that's what I have. So I found treatments without meds.

Regular exercise helps you to feel healthier, increases the production of natural "feel good" chemicals in the body, boosts self-esteem and significantly reduces the symptoms of depression, stress and anxiety

Social Support
loneliness is one of the major causes of depression

Talk About It
Writing about your feelings is also therapeutic, so keep a journal, write a book or consult a professional.

Do Nice Things For Yourself
Learn how to say 'No' to others when it is appropriate and 'Yes' to yourself when you need it.

A carbohydrate rich diet helps the body produce serotonin - the 'feelgood' chemicall

Learn to Relax or Meditate
Relaxation techniques and meditation are easy to learn and are so effective in relieving stress, anxiety, and depression that I wonder why they are not routinely prescribed or even taught as a life skill at school!

Understand Your Symptoms
Symptoms of depression and anxiety are very troublesome, but they are also an 'early warning' signal from your body that something is not right and needs to change.

Feelgood Tip
Without looking loony, make eye contact, smile and greet each person you meet or pass (as long as it's not in a dark alley!). Count how many return your smile. Not only does it feel good to have people smile at you, the facial muscles involved in smiling send messages to the brain, causing an increase in production of natural feelgood brain chemicals!

Maybe after 10 years I have found a solution to twist my view into something happy. Cause I will always be Twisted, it's my uniqueness but maybe I can Twist Happily.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

All That's Left

Walking away suddenly feels so wrong, no it always felt wrong.
Your looking for a friendly voice but cant find one,
I'm trying to forget but the memories haunt me.
But I must keep walking. I have no destination, no friends along the way.
My boyfriend doesn't understand...
Causing you to still come between us.
Walking isn't working but its ALL THAT'S LEFT.

Friday, July 16, 2010


"Your gonna miss me cause I'm getting dizzy going round and round"

You had your chance at love and friendship. You never knew which you wanted and keep stringing me along. Well FYI you can only push me so far before I leave myself. And I did. You didn't try to stop me like i wanted u to, so I'm going to keep WALKING!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Last Goodbye

So that was the last goodbye. Fate tore us away for good and there is nothing left to do. It's time to let the tears fall and the memories flow. Good bye is never easy but bearable when you know it has to be done. I love him but this is the LAST GOODBYE.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Eye Of The Storm

I Love You
I Care About You
Let's Fix Things

Rehearsed lines and buying time. That is all he does. One lie after another followed by another story with big words. Take me as fool but I see the truth you find from me. Everything seems cool right now but I know better. I keep you around because I Love you. Truth be told though now were just in THE EYE OF THE STORM.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Misery Loves Company

"Be strong now
Because things will get better
It might be stormy now
But it can't rain forever"

You have made everything clear. You love me enough to marry her. Then you say she is the only one to make you feel better and all love is her and her family. That leaves me behind and show how much you truly care.

Or does it? You push the ones you love away because you don't want to hurt them more but you cling to her. She is a total mess, don't believe she could hurt any worse. She makes you miserable because you believe its all about her problems and never yours. If she really loved you then it would go both ways like a real relationship, there for each other. She is just your misery and you are her company. Cause we all know MISERY LOVES COMPANY

Thursday, July 8, 2010

World View

"Happiness is not the absence of problems, or heartache, but the ability to deal with them."

& That's what I should remember in the middle of the storm. Rain makes rainbows and Lighting lights up the sky. It isn't all so bad. The world wants to Knock you down and make happiness impossible, so maybe you should just twist your WORLD VIEW.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I Hate

"I hate everything about you, Why do I love you?"

I Hate how each story makes the other a lie
I Hate how I can never tell you good bye
I Hate that you say you love me but than you marry K
I Hate how you make me believe what you say
I Hate when you add fire to my fights
I Hate what happened that night

I could go on forever about all that I Hate but what it comes down to is...
I Hate that I Love you!

Monday, July 5, 2010


"As far as I'm concerned you just another Picture to Burn!"

If only I could be that strong to mean that. But your happy, that's what matters. Hanging out with friends, stupid new car and everything you wanted from a twisted soul. What am I left with... Broken memories. Thanks!

Last weekend was suppose to be fun, with friends Saturday, setting off fireworks Sunday but I didn't. Cops were called Sunday and I loved seeing Rach but when she asked about you the rest of night wasn't the same.

Broken Memories and depressing times. What a WASTE of life!

Saturday, July 3, 2010


"Evil Is always possible. And Goodness is eternally difficult."

We have to learn to be nice, like when were little we learn to share and make friends. We don't have to learn to lie, cheat and do evil. It's human nature. So does that mean we should forgive each other, since were all in the wrong? I hope so, I need a lot of forgiveness. If it's part of humanity then we all do it, we make mistakes and cause disasters. So will I be OK... it's NATURAL?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Dream Walker

I can avoid the thought of you during the daylight hours, but when the sun sets and my eyes shut there you are. Walking in my dreams like nothing in the world was ever wrong. I want to give in to the delusions but then I wake up without you there. You keep me "praying for daylight... So I can act like my whole life ain't going wrong." The pain will never cease as long as you remain my DREAM WALKER.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


And even if my life is suddenly decides to stop the world doesn't. It moves on and the people do to. I guess im just pathic being stuck in place. But i see nothing to move on to and nothing in the past worth remebering so in the end i'm just STUCK.

Monday, June 28, 2010


"Forgiveness such a simple word but so Hard to do when you've been hurt."

I messed up but he forgave me. Told me it was alright, that I couldn't change the past but I did the right thing to fix the future. So everything is alright, right? Wrong!

I can't forgive myself. The memory haunts me and I can't forget the other. He is so forgiving and it makes it worse knowing I hurt someone how loves me so much.

If my soul wasn't so Twisted, I wouldn't have made the mistake and I wouldn't need FORGIVENESS.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I was lied too, they said things were different after high school. I see no difference. The pain is just the same, the sanity is only a little more gone but that's caused by staying at home. My mistakes still follow me and I feel alone. No more hanging with people that are half way friends. Guess things have CHANGED some, but where is good part of after graduation?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Twisted Choices

Yesterday I wrote Unwanted. That's how I felt in the rush of the moment. 24 hours later though, my view has changed. In angry moments being used seemed like the last straw. But truth is I used him too. In the name of lust, I am no better.

Was he really just wanting in my pants? NO
He cared about me, he was just confused on the line between friendship and more. When his girl friend and him at rough times it was easy to run to me, and he didn't know he was doing it. He understood me and always there to help.

Did he tried to Isolate me from my friends? NO
I wanted to shift the blame, I lost my friends because of Me! I'm selfish, Mean, Devious and more. Guess what though... even though I'm all those things he still cared.

Did I make a Mistake? Huge One
I lost another friend and yet again hurt someone I love. My life is twisted because of TWISTED CHOICES and this time reality was better.

Should I fix things? I can't answer this question
I should forgive? God knows I need forgiveness.
It would upset my boyfriend more, but don't I deserve Forgiveness?
And Can anyone Answer these questions?

Thursday, June 24, 2010


And just when I trust someone, I notice what they have done to my life. He fueled fire to isolate my friends from me. He only wanted in my pants, just like my real friends said. He got everything he wanted. My friends are gone, and he got in my pants. Then he decided I'm not what he wanted at all... So I guess this twisted soul is left UNWANTED.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Seven Deadly Sins

Their Deadly for a reason, they kill. Some physical, others mentally but the result is always the same, Death. Lots of people suffer from a deadly sin and it slowly destroys their life.

Confession Time: I suffer from Lust.
I want to flirt, I do flirt.
I want to do the wrong thing so I do.
Live in the moment.
Only think of myself and not how it will effect others
I Love my Boyfriend, but i just cheated on him
Lust is a deadly sin, its is tearing me apart and killing me inside. The only solution I see is suicide but I'm too greedy to rid the world of my lust... yet another deadly sin.

Is there forgiveness and am I worth it? Is there a better solution and can I find it? I need a hero but is anyone willing? Can death be avoided after flirting with deadly sins?

Monday, June 14, 2010


Everyone is entitled to a secret...

But even when its all said and done and the actions were long ago the secret never goes away. You keep to the same story that never changes over time. The ones close to you though my realize the spark in your eye that gives the lie away. I know there is something wrong with his story but as this started out... Everyone is ENTITLED to a secret!

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Another story has changed yet again. You would think it wouldn't hurt anymore, that I would become Immune. The Pain though will never cease. Two words can change a story completely, making me question love all together. It hurts when the one you love lies to you but it is nothing compared to the pain of not being WORTH the truth.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Twisted Love

He Loves Her
I Love Him
Typical story right? Wrong!
He loves her though her depression is tearing them apart
I Love another boy but my family and his lifestyle is tearing us apart
They have mixed feelings about each other: lust, friendship & the past
They are exes and close friends
They would be perfect for each other in every way their loved ones aren't
Everybody would Love to see them together
But this is how the story goes:
He Loves Her
I Love Him

This love is not the cure to life people say it is, but it is true love. The difference is when you cross a path with a twisted soul it results in Twisted Love!

Monday, June 7, 2010


Anger builds like a kid's energy locked in a candy store
Depression slowly eats away at me like a turtle with it's food
Sanity is long gone along with my life
A Monster is destroying me in the Most EXTREME way
& this is how I live my life!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

He Loves Me...

Love is the bitch life hires for any easy night

He loves me...So he is moving back to where she lives
He loves me...Enough to be jealous of all my Friends
He loves me...But walks out the room when I drop my pants
He loves me...while the lies keep getting bigger
He Loves me...And I love him, that's all that matters!

Wait that last one doesn't make sense, but boy is it true

Thursday, June 3, 2010


The Perfect Life is never what he wanted
"Sex wasn't Anything like i thought it would be...
Parents are always argueeing with me, Don't Trust me...
Im not Truely Happy"

My ex boyfriend told me this today, and he proved a point so common people often miss it. Perfection in Idea is great but Life isn't meant to be perfect and it won't be. Live life as each moment comes don't get lost in a direct path because the less traveled ones are much better in Reality.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


" I don't know"

"Nobody ever does"

"Would it matter if they did?"

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


The amount of Darkness must equal Light, it is the only way to live! That one moment of complete happiness will cause your life mass destruction. Because every action has a reaction.

Monday, May 31, 2010


Why are we afraid to lose what will never leave?


Why does it hurt to give up something we never had?