Saturday, November 23, 2013

Last Goodbye

Hey you,
I never got a chance to explain. Please give me a second to speak up. Weeks, months went by in a struggling relationship. A roommate that hates me and a boyfriend that didn't trust me. Stress levels sky rocketed with no one to turn to. I felt alone for the first time in my life with no where to turn in a unfamiliar city. My manic episodes increased as my sanity decreased by day, hour, minute. I am no longer fit for a relationship, I'm scared and finding myself lashing out again. I find myself clinging to the only people that are there for me, even if that's an unpopular decision. Would you stay in a relationship that added to your stress and desires to abuse an addiction? yeah well that was my deciding question, the longer I waited to tell you, the worse I felt. But your life was busy and stressful, I didn't want to add to it. I love you, or I thought at one point I did. Maybe it was the comfortable feeling I fell in love with. I am sorry but this relationship wasn't going anywhere. You can hate him or blame us but it's not him. Yes I admit there's feelings there, feelings I've tried to squash but really i just want to be 21. i want to drink, fall in lust, make mistakes and have the time of my life. You need someone more stable and mature. I'm sorry this didn't work out the way we planned but thanks for the memories!
The Girl Who Never Meant To Hurt You

Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Left Behind

Why is my first notion always to run, To disappear from sight and leave the guy left behind? So easily I break away from everyone that lets me in, I cant seem to respond properly or let them in, in return. I build soo many invisible walls that no one every notices and it's deceitful! I hear the whispers of another girl but I know there not true. I feel the breaking of my cool as I'm belittled one more time, but yet I continue to hold in my feelings. I see the distrust that keeps me away from friends but don't i deserve it? So many easy reasons to leave but if I do what am I leaving behind?

Sunday, November 10, 2013

What I can't seem to say. . .

Why can't I just tell you how I feel? I sit there motionless, listening but unable to speak. I can't form coherent thoughts to respond, I can only listen to you pledding for me to say something, anything. My brain just shuts down under the overwhelleming emotions that I just can't feel. Then when I eventually sort through my emotions, I'm too afraid to respond. I am not the fearless, confident girl that you see. I am a broken girl that is scared to share her emotions, scared to speak up for her beliefs but mostly just afraid of one more person leaving her all alone.
So how I feel:
    I feel as though addiction is just an excuss. Hear me out. I've struggled with cutting since I was 13. That's 8 real years of addiction, I am in no way belittling the struggle of addiction, I understand. But at the same time it's a very conscious decison to make. Withdraw is hard, it sucks but so does losing sooo much from addiction. I realize axiety is a real issue, just as any mental issue is real, especially to the person dealing with it. I also realize many people face the same issues every day and do not use any type of medicine. I not saying you shouldn't use your prescription, I'm saying there is no excuss for abusing it. We all bleed the same way. I'm in no way trying to belittle your problems but there is better ways to deal with them.
   Everyone comes with a set of issues, it makes them human. I would never consider leaving someone because they fall short, because they have flaws. But we should strive to overcome our shortcomings. I don not intend to stay with a person who is unable to grow and work on their issues. To say "It'll probably happen again," means your just giving up. It's ok to try your best to overcome your issues and to fail, as long as you get back up and try again. Have a game plan and try to stick to it. You'll be suprised how supportive people are when they see you actually trying to better yourself.
   While I'm on my soap box I might as well tell you I'm struggling with issues too. I'm hiding behind esxuces and poorly justifing to make myself feel better. I struggle to rise above earthly desires. I know how God feels about it but I turn my back on his feelings for a little pleasure. It's so wrong but I continue to find pleasure in it. The bibile clearly states sex outside of marraige is sin and is wrong. I stand and say God, break my heart for what breaks yours (and then silently think well except...) and it's about to time to stand up and actually mean it. I don't want to have sex anymore (not an easy thing to commit to).

I'm a broken girl, who is very scared of your reaction to theses raw emotions and thoughts. But I trust in God that they are the right emotions and thoughts, so I will stand by them. Hopefully you can understand.