Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Let me Go

I'm in search of something real. And to final face my fear I have to say maybe that's not you. I need you to let me go because I just can't walk away and you won't let me either. Our generation is focused on hook ups and drama but that's not what I want. I don't want to look back on waste time and regret my life. I need to break free of our memories and stop holding on to childish dreams. I need to take chances on something real instead of wasting life on an unrealistic fantasy. Your my childhood fairy tale but Im not a princess, I'm a small town girl trying to find her place in this world. It ain't far to keep me hanging around saying that you care while you watch me drown. We both say were heart broken and given up on love but there's a differences. You have friends and people to support you. You have other people you are close to you. But all I ave is you. My parents didn't want me, my friends don't really care and the worst part of it all is my other "best friends" don't even know me. I spent my whole life based around you and know I'm broken. It's 3 am pouring rain and my cigarette is going out. The songs tonight are sad, like I have been for several months. I've become good at faking while at night I pray for daylight. I'm search for something real and If that's not you please Let me Go!    

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Upside Down World

When did everything turn upside down and how do i fix it? You were suppose to be the one. The whole cute best friends realizing that the right person was there all a long. But you just tossed me aside like oh yeah I had sex with her, end of story. What kinda person does that. I sit in my room and cry until he fixes it. he's not suppose to fix. I hate him; he betrayed me. He made a bet on virginity and almost got me arrested. With him it was drugs and drama but now look how he makes me smile while you create the drama. This is too weird! World please turn right side up again!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Best Friends

I guess we just dont get it. Its not about dating, its about being best friends. Can we go back to blasting youtube videos in the car at midnight? Can we go back to JROTC with all our friends and the inside jokes. Because really black hawk down is terrifying! Can we go back to the airshow? Or your 21st birthday at the mall and hooters? Remember you dancing on the table? Can we go back to running when I'd scream I'd hate you a thousand times and you'd make me keep running anyways? It always ended with me telling you I love you after we crossed the finish line. Can we go back to you giving me your jacket because it was freezing even though I refused it? I want you to blast your car radio in an empty parking lot and attempt to teach me to dance though it's a lost cause. I want to go back to my first ever slow dance in the 9th grade when the cute boy said I couldn't go the whole Military Ball without dancing. I want to fight over candy in my bedroom. I'd even take a famous Ryan lecture right now. I could use someone to tell me how silly I acted yesterday. I want my best friend back. All this craziness about dating is stupid, cause in the end your my bff.

The Little-Things-Ism

I've had it wrong all this time. Life is about the little things. It's about the wind in your hair as you enjoy the beauty of the mountains and the rivers. Its about laughing and worshiping. Its about living a thousand lives through books. Its about the songs that make you smile and the ones that make you cry. Its about your faults and your failures. Its about where you go and what your potential is.

He said "I love you but its the extent that's complicated."
What he doesn't understand is the extent is what is all about. Its about the extend of much much you enjoy the wind in your hair. Its about the extent you listen to lyrics of your favorite songs. Its about the extend you worship and how often your truly picking up your cross and carrying it. Its the extent you smoke and drink but more importantly its the extent you accept your failures.

The Little-Things-Ism is the philosophy we overlook. Life is about enjoying the tiny moments that pass by in a blink of an eye. Its about loving with all your heart the things and people who make you smile. Its about worshiping a God that's love has no extent, that stretches as far as the east is from the west. What it's not about is boys and searching for a person who will complete you. Look around, you are complete, through every small detail that makes you beautiful. That's what you should focus on. So put done the phone, turn off Facebook and go for a walk. Notice everything beautiful, including yourself.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Chapter I was so Blind to

Can I just erase this whole chapter of my life? This place and all the faces, just erased. Star over, look at the scenery different and do the detailed character profile of different characters. Maybe focus more on the nerdy girl next to me in class, or the broken guy that made me feel at home. Maybe even the cute guy in drama class or the average girl in my lit class.

I wrote this months ago. It wasn't the secondary characters that were the problem. It was me. The main character had transformed into a monster.  


I ventured into the city ready to take on the world, but what happened? I stepped into a city, a shy but outgoing girl who kept her head in books and wore her heart on her sleeve. She was praised for her loyalty and ability to overcome challenges. Where did that girl end up? What happened to her? The girl in the mirror now is green with envy and the first one to yell a hurtful word. She became a monster, that she created. She pushed away the most amazing boy with all her new fears. She spit venom at the girl that wanted nothing but a friend. She made it all about her to the guy that just wanted someone to listen. She became a monster to her a friends. She drank to forget the pain, instead of rising above it. She cut down others to lift her self up. She stopped reading to party. She became the girl she had always made fun of. She became her own worst enemy. Who is this girl in mirror? She owes apologies for what this monster has done and she needs to find herself again. Where am I? What have I done?
Its time to say sorry and go back to my books, my writing. I miss that shy girl with the crazy emotions that just made her so real and lovable. I'm sorry to myself but more so to all the people i hurt along the way. Summer is a time for winding down and finding the bookworm that I lost. next fall will be a completely different story. I promise.

Monday, February 24, 2014


I can't do it. I try and try but can't seem to do it. Breaking free seems ideal when I'm away but a disaster when I am here.Who else would I run to? I'll eventually figure it out, but at what cost? When its too late to stay unattached (or can i even claim still, that I am unattached) will I just fall apart once again The viscous cycle of love and hurt and damage and betrayal stings but still yet I keep it going. Co-dependent on another person that won't save me, can't save me. I just can't do it though.  

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Confessions of a Bunburyist

Have you ever felt like your living double lives? Like you become stuck in this mundane routine even with it's psychopathic tendencies. Wake Up. Half ass your classes. But wish for an A. Don't break down. Go Home. Take a nap. Deal with drama. See boyfriend. Even if you don't like him. Let him comfort you. Even if it's fake. Wish to go home. Fall asleep. Repeat. I fucking hate it. Every last single second of it, I hate. But if I break routine I feel sick, light headed. I become confused, disoriented. I fucking hate it. Every last second of it, I hate. So I run to another place, with another face. I"m the girl he says is so pretty. I'm the girl he just wants to hold. He says i'm smart and I can get through it. But this is just one night. I hate that. Morning comes and i'm sick. But i wake up. Half ass my classes. It goes on and on. But why? Why can't i just be his girl? Why do I have to lie? have to hide? I fucking hate it,  Every last second of it, I hate!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

The One

I've learned people come and people go
And not too many stick around.
I've learned this can turn a person cold
And cause too much misery.

But I've also learned. . .
Not to let the negative define you.
That it's easy to give up. .
But more fulfilling to move forward.

So many people just walk away,
And I use to just shut down
Every single fucking time,
But not this time. . .

This time, I realize some people
are just that way.
Some people just aren't worth the time,
But they'll be others.

Life is full of twist and turns,
Doubts and plenty of confusion.
Don't get me wrong,
Having walls are fine.

But eventually you'll find,
the one one willing to stay.
The one that is patient,
and see's past those carefully built walls.

Do not lose hope,
but stay selective.
So many will leave,
But its worth the one that stays