Thursday, July 29, 2010

Two Problems

When life hand you lemons
Squirt Lemon juice in your problems eyes!

Ok so that don't always work. When you love your problem, you then have TWO PROBLEMS.
I'm slowly falling away from my boyfriend of almost 9 months. Though its numbing it also breaks my heart.
God wants me to be with a christian and he is not. I'm trying to help him find God though.
I told him no more messing around and so far he is ok with that so far.
But the weed has to stop and he has to trust me.
I'm a tom boy therefore my friends are guys. They come first.
Boy friends come and go but true friends are forever!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Forget The World

Live. Laugh. Love♥

Never been my motto or my style. I live each day because I have to and laugh when expected. Love I know to well and the earthly pain within it.
Today was different though. Went over to a friends house I graduated with. He has a beautiful lake house him and his dad built. 3 stories and a man cave, which is his hang/ party room. Leather seats and coach wide screen tv with a ps3 and a home office.
Went out on his jet ski, which I'd never done before. It was really cool he took me to a rock jump and we went for a swim. It was very relaxing to be with him. We got back to the house before the storm and his mom invited me to diner.
Today was what I need to prove happiness is real. I lived today because I want to with an amazing friend. I laughed not because it was expected but because I had a good time and I love having a friend I can just get out and have fun with, be myself and FORGET THE WORLD.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Take Up My Cross

"Am I mad?"
"Yes but let me tell you a secret...All the best ones are!"

Sometimes I feel the insanity is wasting me away. Back against the wall to the world, alone and afraid. I stand tall though and pretend I can face them on my own. Then another blow hits and I'm down on my knees. While I'm there I bow my head and begin to pray. I find peace and sanity once more. I stand stand back up with the strength to take on the insanity. God is there and I'm not alone. I sometimes forget to fall on my knees during the good times and thank him and the sanity fades away again. I need the strength to always recognize him and TAKE UP MY CROSS.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


We made plans over a month ago for Saturday. I ask you again about it to Weeks ago and your still in. A few days ago you asked when you needed to be here. Now today your mother decides to be nice for a day out of your life and you voluntarily decided to hang with her Saturday and clean for her leaving me alone with plans. Such a lovely boyfriend to leave me ALONE.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


So I have all these things that are suppose to help me as I wrote in my last blog. Though I can't seem to do them. I want to just lay and do nothing so I do. I can't find the motivation to very much at all.

Plus the bf is really upsetting me. I know I messed to last month but will I ever get his trust back? I can't hang with my friends but you can smoke pot with yours. Guess our relationship is peachy perfect and that's not even counting today's lies.

Going crazy here and can't seem to fix anything. Maybe school will help. Less than a month till that. Or maybe I'm just BROKEN

Monday, July 19, 2010


I figured out what was wrong with me. I feel relived to know I'm not just crazy and I'm not alone. Depression runs in my family so good chances are that's what I have. So I found treatments without meds.

Regular exercise helps you to feel healthier, increases the production of natural "feel good" chemicals in the body, boosts self-esteem and significantly reduces the symptoms of depression, stress and anxiety

Social Support
loneliness is one of the major causes of depression

Talk About It
Writing about your feelings is also therapeutic, so keep a journal, write a book or consult a professional.

Do Nice Things For Yourself
Learn how to say 'No' to others when it is appropriate and 'Yes' to yourself when you need it.

A carbohydrate rich diet helps the body produce serotonin - the 'feelgood' chemicall

Learn to Relax or Meditate
Relaxation techniques and meditation are easy to learn and are so effective in relieving stress, anxiety, and depression that I wonder why they are not routinely prescribed or even taught as a life skill at school!

Understand Your Symptoms
Symptoms of depression and anxiety are very troublesome, but they are also an 'early warning' signal from your body that something is not right and needs to change.

Feelgood Tip
Without looking loony, make eye contact, smile and greet each person you meet or pass (as long as it's not in a dark alley!). Count how many return your smile. Not only does it feel good to have people smile at you, the facial muscles involved in smiling send messages to the brain, causing an increase in production of natural feelgood brain chemicals!

Maybe after 10 years I have found a solution to twist my view into something happy. Cause I will always be Twisted, it's my uniqueness but maybe I can Twist Happily.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

All That's Left

Walking away suddenly feels so wrong, no it always felt wrong.
Your looking for a friendly voice but cant find one,
I'm trying to forget but the memories haunt me.
But I must keep walking. I have no destination, no friends along the way.
My boyfriend doesn't understand...
Causing you to still come between us.
Walking isn't working but its ALL THAT'S LEFT.

Friday, July 16, 2010


"Your gonna miss me cause I'm getting dizzy going round and round"

You had your chance at love and friendship. You never knew which you wanted and keep stringing me along. Well FYI you can only push me so far before I leave myself. And I did. You didn't try to stop me like i wanted u to, so I'm going to keep WALKING!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Last Goodbye

So that was the last goodbye. Fate tore us away for good and there is nothing left to do. It's time to let the tears fall and the memories flow. Good bye is never easy but bearable when you know it has to be done. I love him but this is the LAST GOODBYE.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Eye Of The Storm

I Love You
I Care About You
Let's Fix Things

Rehearsed lines and buying time. That is all he does. One lie after another followed by another story with big words. Take me as fool but I see the truth you find from me. Everything seems cool right now but I know better. I keep you around because I Love you. Truth be told though now were just in THE EYE OF THE STORM.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Misery Loves Company

"Be strong now
Because things will get better
It might be stormy now
But it can't rain forever"

You have made everything clear. You love me enough to marry her. Then you say she is the only one to make you feel better and all love is her and her family. That leaves me behind and show how much you truly care.

Or does it? You push the ones you love away because you don't want to hurt them more but you cling to her. She is a total mess, don't believe she could hurt any worse. She makes you miserable because you believe its all about her problems and never yours. If she really loved you then it would go both ways like a real relationship, there for each other. She is just your misery and you are her company. Cause we all know MISERY LOVES COMPANY

Thursday, July 8, 2010

World View

"Happiness is not the absence of problems, or heartache, but the ability to deal with them."

& That's what I should remember in the middle of the storm. Rain makes rainbows and Lighting lights up the sky. It isn't all so bad. The world wants to Knock you down and make happiness impossible, so maybe you should just twist your WORLD VIEW.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I Hate

"I hate everything about you, Why do I love you?"

I Hate how each story makes the other a lie
I Hate how I can never tell you good bye
I Hate that you say you love me but than you marry K
I Hate how you make me believe what you say
I Hate when you add fire to my fights
I Hate what happened that night

I could go on forever about all that I Hate but what it comes down to is...
I Hate that I Love you!

Monday, July 5, 2010


"As far as I'm concerned you just another Picture to Burn!"

If only I could be that strong to mean that. But your happy, that's what matters. Hanging out with friends, stupid new car and everything you wanted from a twisted soul. What am I left with... Broken memories. Thanks!

Last weekend was suppose to be fun, with friends Saturday, setting off fireworks Sunday but I didn't. Cops were called Sunday and I loved seeing Rach but when she asked about you the rest of night wasn't the same.

Broken Memories and depressing times. What a WASTE of life!

Saturday, July 3, 2010


"Evil Is always possible. And Goodness is eternally difficult."

We have to learn to be nice, like when were little we learn to share and make friends. We don't have to learn to lie, cheat and do evil. It's human nature. So does that mean we should forgive each other, since were all in the wrong? I hope so, I need a lot of forgiveness. If it's part of humanity then we all do it, we make mistakes and cause disasters. So will I be OK... it's NATURAL?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Dream Walker

I can avoid the thought of you during the daylight hours, but when the sun sets and my eyes shut there you are. Walking in my dreams like nothing in the world was ever wrong. I want to give in to the delusions but then I wake up without you there. You keep me "praying for daylight... So I can act like my whole life ain't going wrong." The pain will never cease as long as you remain my DREAM WALKER.