Never Ending Circle

It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. Life is like a circle that never ends. Some days your on top and some your on bottom and some days your just awkwardly in the middle just hanging there. But hey it's no big deal because if life was a straight line it would be dead.....
Change is always pushing it's way into the surface of normality. You try to cling to familiarity but find yourself only holding the thin air. . . Nothings even there. People come and People go. You grow attached only to be ripped in half and crazily you do it all over again with the next person. What did I tell you, it's a never ending circle.
Your bipolar or manic depressive, your addicted, your out of your mind "but still you try to control it." You wear your mask so well, you soon forget this is just an act, you become the character you've created and the pain becomes real and mistakes are permanent. People fly to Florida just to rid of this story you have put them in and all you do is rewrite the script with a new character. Even your act is never ending circle!
It all comes down to the wire and you forget if your on top or bottom. You face the change as if it it's your demons and you force the curtains to close and play to end so reality can once again take place. Ah but don't worry dear, that only means circle has re-begun. It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. . .

I hate people

"I'm just not happy anymore"
Those were his exact words. Wow way to really kick someone that is down. Way to stab a knife right through the heart. He'd rather spend what time he does have with his friends that are girls then me when I find time off work. I'm criticized for working, for earning money for college so I could have a better life. Wow doesn't life just suck. I just want to be left alone but everyone wants to put there two sense in it. I ask please leave me alone. I even say please but people just get mad. I don't understand why people are so selfish. I'd lay it all down for them and they just walk away. Promises left broken and heart left shattered.

Same Story Different Boy

Let me tell the you a story of a fallen girl. . .
She had lost her way, the one boy she thought would always be there to hold her and death of a friend seemed to break her. She stopped caring and starting going through the motions. She found a "prince charming" to take all the pain way or at least to hide the pain. He molded her into everything she never wanted to be and she didn't even notice. At the core she was still her but  she was high on his version life, swallowing his ways abounding her friends who didn't understand. They were angry with her, they gave up on her and by the time she noticed the puppet she was everything she promised she'd never be.

Now hear the story of a strong girl . . .
She was determined for a better life, a way out of the poverty and hatred. She was fixing her mistakes and giving mercy to any that would allow her to. She was independent and wanting to change the world. She found a "prince charming" to help her be a better person. He molded her in the ways of right and wrong, while teaching her that she was a bad person in the past. Maybe she already thought that but he pronounced the thought and made her think it real. At the core she was still herself but she struggled to be that better person, she stepped on many friends in the process, debated on changing her looks and faced much hatred. Her friends are angry but since she was already faced the broken girl's story, she refuses now to let them go.   

Yes these stories highlight the same girl. The strong "prince charming" looks down upon the fallen's "prince charming" but are there ethics really that different? Haven't they harmed the girl's self alike?

A Broken Girl with a Pretty Smile

I just want to scream the pain away, to suffocate all these thoughts in between the screams and the damaged pillow. The Monster is boiling my blood, stretching just beneath the skin. It's a devastating cycle of the monster and hope swirling around dueling each other only to come up in an circle of losing and winning or just stalling on another, never reaching satisfaction for long. But of course I hold it all together with a  deceitful smile, fooling others with mislead beauty. I look around for the comfort of so many but only one seems to be around. And even he can't be much comfort. Because his love trashes at my stomach in this knot, with whispering devils reminding you of the similar promise that broke me to begin with. What am I or what are my plans without him? Of course there are answers unlike before but they seem very empty and numb. The mental block is slipping and no one can tell. I'm just a broken girl with a pretty smile.

Day 3 Clean

Day 3 felt a lot like day one, may even have been worse. I woke up excited to turn my English paper in and be done with it. I talked to two of my guy friends in English but I dreaded leaving class. I knew as soon as I left Id walk down stairs to biology where id find my use to be best friend talking to mutual friends outside my next class. I ended up skipping that class as my heart shattered seeing his face. Of course he ended up skipping his class too and walked over to his best friend that I was about to tell I couldn't be friends with him anymore either. We took us both a lot of strength to just say hi and all the pain in the world to sit there awkwardly in silence. I ended up walking away crying to my group of friends who tried to cheer me up. I felt like dying and it wasn't because of no weed. Actually weed has barely crossed my mind, all I can think about is how I lost him. My own boyfriend was even jealous of how heart broken I am over losing him. God please show me what to do I'm lost.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit 

Stop the Games!

"The way you move is like a full on rain storm and I'm a house of cards"

You are everything I use to hate but somewhere along the way I found a pretty cool friend to do crazy shit with. I wrote a blog sometime a go called "Typical or Not-so-Typical Teenager" about how he should've been the one I liked instead of his best friend.

STOP! I began writing this yesterday with a different mind set. I'm tired of all the drama and the crap over a single guy that's hardly around. What the hell am I fighting for??? A guy that plays nothing but mind games, drugs and sex???

Lies are so easy to fall into but in the morning sun so easy to catch! If you want to be a part of this Twisted life, PROVE IT!

Stop the Games!

It's Time Again to Run Away

Have I truly lost myself?
I spent Friday in my room and most likely today too.
What happen to all my thousand friends, Did I give them all away for a guy???
I keep changing or more like pushing the insanity back...
I live one life with him and another at school (the only time I see my friends)
James is gone, Bay is Gone... Ry and Chris are never around, Zack is gone, Latasha is gone, "the group" is becoming less of a hang out and more of a annoyance.
That leaves me 6 friends and 3 hours a week.....
WHOA! My friends went from everything to 3 out of 168 hours,180 out of 10080mins
Where's the times those numbers were about even and why are they slipping away?
What do I do, where do I try and please someone stop me from running away!

Never is

I feel the insanity pulsing through my blood, rushing to the skin, waiting to escape. Emotions are high and I can't keep up my block. Drugs enter my mind, it's the ultimate block but I'm not sure it's worth the price I have to pay. I need my friend, he see's the insanity, through the mask and knows the cure. Of course his games tear us apart. If only others would see though he gains his powers through their grudges. If only they could forgive and forget, than he would be powerless. But that is not the problem at stake... This insanity is! I'm drowning in ti and I feel as though there's nothing to hold on to. So many false promises to slow down the insanity, but is it worth it? No, it never is!

Masking Insanity

Insanity remains just beneath the skin. You can ignore for it is not seen but what about the night? Can you smile through the agony when no one's there? Can you laugh at the memories your forced to leave behind? Am I really speaking about this in third person like it isn't me. Like I'm this amazing girl, with this amazing change and amazing friends. News Flash... That's NOT me!!! I miss my crazy friends, i can't walk away from the memories, the tears pour every night this game goes on. I miss my old friends, I miss being care free and rebellious, I'm losing my twisted view to conform to god knows what! A good christian life, is that what God even called me to do? I thought my mission was to heal the broken by standing with them, by showing the love in the mist of danger and adrenaline. The drugs made things easier to handle but my back bone has been destroyed and I handle everything by bottling it up? What happens when the insanity rips through the surface and takes back what's rightful its? What will happen when all that's left is the broken rebel she always was. When the curtains draw back and the actress is uncovered will the audience leave?

Away?

insanity is crawling beneath my skin, I just can't hide from the overwhelming madness! This confident, cool rocker chick character will only last so long. Such a fool to believe this play would last. The truth is I'm insane and the knife offers the balance I need. But will this reveal the actress behind the curtain? Will he walk away or will the insanity push him away?Will things ever be ok?!

Trick or Treat!

Trick or Treat!

Little early for Halloween isn't it? But yet I'm playing a game of trick or treat. I want to be this character I've been tricking him into believing is me which is quite a treat! But we all know my twisted insanity can only be hidden for so long. Once the curtain reveals the actor behind the script I will be nothing but a foolish kid playing Trick or Treat winning best costume!

Cry For Help

This cry for help cuts me to the soul.
What do you do when a girl confesses her love to you while dealing with major issues and is depending on you BUT you've already moved on? I care about her but what about the guy right here at home? The one I want so badly and ready to trust him this time.... In over my head and this numbing sensation from the current situation leaves me too, Crying Out For Help!

Sex, Drugs And . . . A Hippie Festival

The insanity reached a boiling point... with sex, drugs, and a hippie festival.

I had sex for the first time Saturday with the guy I've been seeing. It wasn't what I expected at all but my body carves more and emotional I feel the attachment I  promised I won't feel. I'm beginning to fall knowing he won't catch.

Trying to avoid drugs with my new friends is a huge joke so again I was smoking Saturday (legal stuff). 10min after sex though we went to find a friend who was smoking pots to only be found by the cops. Thankfully I didn't get in any trouble but my some what boyfriend was charged with possession.

And all this happened at a Hippie festival on Saturday.... It's now Tuesday and  still haven't heard from this guy and my emotions are going haywire. I'm beginning to believe I'll just be another heart in his collection jar.

Twisted Roller Coaster

Well my twist always keeps things interesting....

->I still miss my ex to extreme measures and the friend that recently passed away in a car crash
->The new guy I'm talking to might only be interested in sex drugs and rap???? Oh yeah and smoking is my new addiction. FYI rap imo is Retards Attempting Poetry
-> Speaking of addictions the urge to cut has returned
-> Depression is again taking it's toll
->But overall things aren't too bad

Yep I'm a Twisted Roller Coaster

Downward Spiral

reality is taking it's toll once again...

His death is weighting down on me along with his secret he never got to reveal because of me
Our break up sent me spiraling downwards even father once you found her
Drugs seems so appealing lately
And Daniel wrote on "Last letter to Daniel"
I don't understand what's wrong with me, my life is constantly in the state of insanity and the more I escape reality the worse reality becomes. Maybe this Twisted Outlook isn't as great as I once believed.
Don't be fooled being different is awesome but this downward spiral is messing up my twist. 

Nothing More

What is love worth when not acted upon? A simple feeling no greater than Anger or Agony.

Too Many

So I haven't been on in a while but things have been a mess.
2 many boys, 2 many problems, yeah that about covers it.

Without Love

The words I said I didn't mean. Angry, agony swell up in me. Overwhelming pain drowns me.
Your gone. There is no forever. I become lost, broken but alive. Life is now a strange sensation. What is life without love?

Hurt!

I hate confessions!

I hate that I pour my heart out only to have it ripped out!
I hate that I love him with every piece of my broken heart!
I hate not wanting to let go!
I hate that cried in front of my friends over him!
I hate that I can't stop thinking of him!
I hate that he is moving on without me!
But mostly I hate this pain... I'd rather be anger to admit this pain, this sorrow. I wan to be angry!
I Hate that I'm not angry.... Only hurt!

Step Up

GRRRRR

I love you! But I don't know what to do or say. I keep pouring out my heart but you never tell me how you feel. You say you still love me but you leave it at that. I'm losing my mind! I need your help... If you want to be with me Step Up!