Sunday, November 10, 2013

What I can't seem to say. . .

Why can't I just tell you how I feel? I sit there motionless, listening but unable to speak. I can't form coherent thoughts to respond, I can only listen to you pledding for me to say something, anything. My brain just shuts down under the overwhelleming emotions that I just can't feel. Then when I eventually sort through my emotions, I'm too afraid to respond. I am not the fearless, confident girl that you see. I am a broken girl that is scared to share her emotions, scared to speak up for her beliefs but mostly just afraid of one more person leaving her all alone.
So how I feel:
    I feel as though addiction is just an excuss. Hear me out. I've struggled with cutting since I was 13. That's 8 real years of addiction, I am in no way belittling the struggle of addiction, I understand. But at the same time it's a very conscious decison to make. Withdraw is hard, it sucks but so does losing sooo much from addiction. I realize axiety is a real issue, just as any mental issue is real, especially to the person dealing with it. I also realize many people face the same issues every day and do not use any type of medicine. I not saying you shouldn't use your prescription, I'm saying there is no excuss for abusing it. We all bleed the same way. I'm in no way trying to belittle your problems but there is better ways to deal with them.
   Everyone comes with a set of issues, it makes them human. I would never consider leaving someone because they fall short, because they have flaws. But we should strive to overcome our shortcomings. I don not intend to stay with a person who is unable to grow and work on their issues. To say "It'll probably happen again," means your just giving up. It's ok to try your best to overcome your issues and to fail, as long as you get back up and try again. Have a game plan and try to stick to it. You'll be suprised how supportive people are when they see you actually trying to better yourself.
   While I'm on my soap box I might as well tell you I'm struggling with issues too. I'm hiding behind esxuces and poorly justifing to make myself feel better. I struggle to rise above earthly desires. I know how God feels about it but I turn my back on his feelings for a little pleasure. It's so wrong but I continue to find pleasure in it. The bibile clearly states sex outside of marraige is sin and is wrong. I stand and say God, break my heart for what breaks yours (and then silently think well except...) and it's about to time to stand up and actually mean it. I don't want to have sex anymore (not an easy thing to commit to).

I'm a broken girl, who is very scared of your reaction to theses raw emotions and thoughts. But I trust in God that they are the right emotions and thoughts, so I will stand by them. Hopefully you can understand.