Home Is Hell

"I need You to know I'm not through the Night, Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the Light"

Everyone thinks I'm doing better and I guess I am making progress. I can go to school and be normal, like everyone else. You would never guess anything was wrong with me. My friends love hanging around and I keep my problems to myself. Their happy I can be OK, but they don't see it all.
When I reach my front door I'm the same crazy, chaotic girl everyone stresses over. Every things a mess and my emotions drive me to insanity. I barley notice the tears that fall. The music doesn't drown out the yelling. My brothers anger is to the point I hate being under the same roof and my mothers temper is equal. But there's no where else to go.
Where Do you go when HOME IS HELL?

Notice

"Does anybody hear her, Can anybody see or does anybody even know she's going down today?"

My week was going so good. College is completely different. My best friend is coming home today and my boy friend wasn't ignoring but moving into a different foster home. Football game is tomorrow and I'll be with all my friends.
But the first sentence said was! I missed my shower this morning trying to finish homework for tomorrow (which I didn't finish) and being attacked by my brother. Then I had to leave to hang with my family and my brother wouldn't stop misbehaving. Doesn't sound like to horrible of a morning but I broke down. Got alone and cried, could barley breathe. Felt like everything was falling apart. I waited for the call to say my best friend was home but it's 10:30 tonight and he's still not home.
It's the little things that break me down and the ones around don't even NOTICE.

Will He Help?

Another day has gone by and sanity is hard to hold onto. A stupid argument over my weakness and letting go of what is already gone has got you ignoring me. It hurts because without my best friend home who do I have to talk to and hang with. I have casual friends I can say hey to and sit beside in class. A cute professor to look at but it's not the same. No one is as beautiful as him and no one or place makes me feel more at home then him. So without him here and my best friend at basic it's hard to stay strong. Old habits tempting me, telling me they can make the pain go away but it's lies. Lies could be more comforting though then the truth right now. My best friend comes home Thursday so I hope i can mange till then. He doesn't have to know my problems or anythings wrong I just want him there to talk to and hang with cause really who Else do i have? Problem though is emotions were high and the meaning of friendship was dangerously flirting with something more, so WILL HE HELP?

Dizzy

I feel numb...
You Can only push me away for so long before I walk away on my own
I love You... Do you still love me?
If so then why keep things from me.
We use to tell each other everything and now you won't tell me anything.
I left an amazing friend to make things right, but was it enough?
Will it ever be enough?
Being with you is always fight... like were against the world
But I don't Mind as Long as you love me too.

"Your gonna miss me cause I'm getting DIZZY going round and round!"

Fading Love And Numbing Heart

"Do I have your Love? Am I still Enough?"

This love is fading and my heart is numbing. Who knows what to think.
S(he)Be(lie)ve(d)!
Well keeping things from your loved one might as well be lying!
Growing distant and shutting me out.
It gets worse when your away. You act weird but say every things "fine"
I don't want to lose you, I love you!
But baby how do u feel? Lately I'm not to sure how u feel.
And now you want to move back, where you act weird.
What to do? What to say?

"Do I have your Love? Am I still Enough?

Changing

7 more days till school. A second chance, a new start? lol Hell no. In a small town like this your reputation follows you forever. On the bright side only two more years in this hole in the road. After that the Army can take me where ever they please. I'm so ready to be gone but I've already proved I can't handle freedom. So I'm ready but need a lot of CHANGING.

Window

School starts in a week. My bff comes home in a week and my ex should ship off next week as well. When some doors close others don't always open and your stuck looking for a window.
That's what I'm doing. Nothing to look back on and the future is all a secret. I have no plans and I hate this place. Always have, I just want to get away but there's no where to go.
Just stuck searching for a WINDOW

Airplanes Are Shooting Stars

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now"

I'm suppose to be over you but when I hear your hurting and your life is falling apart a tar falls. I wanted you to go to the Navy and live happily ever after. But from my understandings things are a nightmare and not a dream. I want to run right back to you but there's nothing I could do for you even if I did.

Still can't believe I lost you over the insecurities over a jealous boyfriend. Guess that shows a lot of his true colors. Not willing to forgive me when he is not perfect either.

I still wonder if you read my blog. You would now when it's about you, we just had that bound. You understood me and I kinda understood you too. I want to believe there was truth in our relationship but others say I'm crazy.

Thought I was over you but I guess I'm just pretending that airplanes are shooting stars!

Final Decision

Final Decision:
I am going to start a 30 blog. I will start by working on my lust. I will explain more in the new blog. Wish me luck I'm very nervous!

Will Power

Another day has gone by unused. Spent doing nothing without the energy to really care. I can say I'm doing better but my will isn't there. College starts in 2 weeks and I'm nervous.

My mom is starting to believe I'm depressed. What a joke! It takes her 10 years to notice something wrong, I dismiss it and she things nothing more of it. "Parents acting like enemies making kids feel like it's world war 3."

On the bright side my Best Friend comes home in two weeks. I can't wait to see him, I've been thinking about him a lot lately. He is the one person I trust and knows me inside and out. He is an amazing guy.

Still praying about the 30 day blog. It would help but I'm not sure I have the WILL POWER.

A Go or A No

So I've seen how far I've come since my depression has started. I'm not as violent and no more addictions. I still suffer from lust but am slowly working away from it. I'm becoming more dependent and realizing what really matters. But I'm far from healed.

I'm thinking about starting a 30 day blog. I know several people who have one and it works for them. I strayed from my path and I'm slowly turning back to God

I don't know if I'm ready for 30 days though. But I will keep you updated on the new blog. A go or a No.

I'm Done

"Someday you will wake up smell the break up Realize we won't make up"

Yet again I find you on my mind. You leave Tuesday and though we haven't spoken in weeks I find myself wishing for one more day.But I realize that one day would consist of:

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright cause I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright cause I love the way lie"

The lies were awesome and I will never forget them cause I still believe in my heart there had to be some truth in there. It's over now though and the friendship we had is gone.

"I don't wanna be like Cinderella sitting in a dark cold rusty cellar
Waiting for somebody to come and set me free
No I want to be like someone breathing...
I'd rather rescue myself."

And with all these songs blaring through my mind I walk away. Not because it's all that's left or it makes me seem strong but because holding on hurts to much.
I'M DONE!