First love,

Maybe nothing is suppose to be same. If I want new results I have to venture into the unknown. Maybe you were my guide but now its time to step out and make you proud. Goodbye my love, you will always be a cheerished memory. Here's to first loves memories and lifes journey. Cheers!

Dear Lost Love

I'm not sure what you are anymore
Maybe you are the hopes and dreams that escape me.
I don't know but here's what I do know:
1. Your my favorite dream walker, my dreams are incomplete until you show up and cause havok.
2. Some days I stay trapped in memory lane and your the only thing on my mind
3. Days go by, months go by but still I miss you
4. I love you
I'm not sure in what way I love you or why I love you. "Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano." All I know is nothing is the same without you.
- Nix

Never Ending Circle

It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. Life is like a circle that never ends. Some days your on top and some your on bottom and some days your just awkwardly in the middle just hanging there. But hey it's no big deal because if life was a straight line it would be dead.....
Change is always pushing it's way into the surface of normality. You try to cling to familiarity but find yourself only holding the thin air. . . Nothings even there. People come and People go. You grow attached only to be ripped in half and crazily you do it all over again with the next person. What did I tell you, it's a never ending circle.
Your bipolar or manic depressive, your addicted, your out of your mind "but still you try to control it." You wear your mask so well, you soon forget this is just an act, you become the character you've created and the pain becomes real and mistakes are permanent. People fly to Florida just to rid of this story you have put them in and all you do is rewrite the script with a new character. Even your act is never ending circle!
It all comes down to the wire and you forget if your on top or bottom. You face the change as if it it's your demons and you force the curtains to close and play to end so reality can once again take place. Ah but don't worry dear, that only means circle has re-begun. It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. . .

Dancing Through

"I'm a mess that's the best way to describe it"
The monster is stretching and yawning, it grumbles in my happiness. I want to scream, to cut him loose, to run while there's still time!

"We'll do some drugs, we'll fall in the love, while the world just shrugs"
They tell me I can not scream; they tell me not to stand out. When I do, I'm alone and unseen. When I seek the help I'm a charity case. When I try. . .I just drown in pain. "Let Go, I'll Bring you closer." That's pretty much all I want to hear.

"Every memory walking out the back door"
The old quickly fades away and if it wasn't so intense I'd wonder if it ever actually exist. How can someone that made you whole become a stranger, how can it mean nothing, when for so long it was everything? How you walk away and turn around as if it never happened? Those are questions I'll never know.

"Don't let someone tell you your no one"
Words still haunt me, plague my memory and crush my spirit. "Heartless Bitch!" Am I really? Can I even come across as that or act in that way. I know I react and then think and I can be selfish but does that really make heartless?

So many songs, thoughts and insanity dancing through my happiness, reminding me how the ending always works. Or is it really a circle in a constant battle which we call life?

Muse

I found a reason to write a muse if you must say. Pondering if two is better than one. . . The moment where the butterflies are everywhere, the moment where your breath is taken away, the moment you never want to let go. The start of something new, a little awkward or nervous but just that kiss drives it all  away and the only thought your left with is wow. Maybe I can believe that two is better than one. It's worth the risk, so Dear Heart, prepare for an adventure !

I hate people

"I'm just not happy anymore"
Those were his exact words. Wow way to really kick someone that is down. Way to stab a knife right through the heart. He'd rather spend what time he does have with his friends that are girls then me when I find time off work. I'm criticized for working, for earning money for college so I could have a better life. Wow doesn't life just suck. I just want to be left alone but everyone wants to put there two sense in it. I ask please leave me alone. I even say please but people just get mad. I don't understand why people are so selfish. I'd lay it all down for them and they just walk away. Promises left broken and heart left shattered.

Cutting Strings

for an independent person, I sure do always seek out comfort. I like the normal routine of life and usually just go along with whatever but my core is the exact opposite. I look at my tattoo idea and am reminded of my rebellion and everything my youth has stood for. Growing up shouldn't mean changing my views, morals or opinions. I should be loved for who I am not this good girl act. I'm not a dog and I don't want treats for doing good. No is a personal challenge that I always except and I dare someone to challenge me because I'm tired of letting others mold me

Same Story Different Boy

Let me tell the you a story of a fallen girl. . .
She had lost her way, the one boy she thought would always be there to hold her and death of a friend seemed to break her. She stopped caring and starting going through the motions. She found a "prince charming" to take all the pain way or at least to hide the pain. He molded her into everything she never wanted to be and she didn't even notice. At the core she was still her but  she was high on his version life, swallowing his ways abounding her friends who didn't understand. They were angry with her, they gave up on her and by the time she noticed the puppet she was everything she promised she'd never be.

Now hear the story of a strong girl . . .
She was determined for a better life, a way out of the poverty and hatred. She was fixing her mistakes and giving mercy to any that would allow her to. She was independent and wanting to change the world. She found a "prince charming" to help her be a better person. He molded her in the ways of right and wrong, while teaching her that she was a bad person in the past. Maybe she already thought that but he pronounced the thought and made her think it real. At the core she was still herself but she struggled to be that better person, she stepped on many friends in the process, debated on changing her looks and faced much hatred. Her friends are angry but since she was already faced the broken girl's story, she refuses now to let them go.   

Yes these stories highlight the same girl. The strong "prince charming" looks down upon the fallen's "prince charming" but are there ethics really that different? Haven't they harmed the girl's self alike?

A Broken Girl with a Pretty Smile

I just want to scream the pain away, to suffocate all these thoughts in between the screams and the damaged pillow. The Monster is boiling my blood, stretching just beneath the skin. It's a devastating cycle of the monster and hope swirling around dueling each other only to come up in an circle of losing and winning or just stalling on another, never reaching satisfaction for long. But of course I hold it all together with a  deceitful smile, fooling others with mislead beauty. I look around for the comfort of so many but only one seems to be around. And even he can't be much comfort. Because his love trashes at my stomach in this knot, with whispering devils reminding you of the similar promise that broke me to begin with. What am I or what are my plans without him? Of course there are answers unlike before but they seem very empty and numb. The mental block is slipping and no one can tell. I'm just a broken girl with a pretty smile.

Left Behind

As school ends I see our friendship following suit. We can't blame the seasons, the drugs, the lust or even the miles apart. We both will soon reap what we have separately sowed. Your path is leading towards disaster as mine is an endless sky of possibilities. He will not make my decisions though your mattress skills so often make yours. My mind is clear and alert while yours is lost in a smoke screen of ignorance. You coast through life as I begin to awaken from the haze. I fear I have much to leave behind and our cozy friendship is just one of the many cherished memories I leave behind on the road that leads to nowhere.

Check Your Heart

I don't understand how you claim to be a christian set apart from those believers who act wordly as though they know not God but then turn around and condemn someone to hell for their wrong doings. That was never God's love nor is it a way to present yourself as a follower of Christ! This is what leads people away.
A man stands on trail for death row, he murdered your friend and others. So now he deserves to burn in hell for all eternity He soul is worthless to you but what is his soul to God? Does God not love him as his own and sent his son to die for him.
Peter was one of the closet disciple to Christ. Yet before he turned to Christ he murdered people. One of those could have been your friend or your loved one. Does that mean Peter should burn in hell? A disciple that followed after God's own heart, has books in the Bible and deserves hell.
If that was the case we all deserve hell. But Jesus paid that price for that murderer, not just u and me. So please check our heart. No One deserves hell, just ask Jesus.

Days 7/8 Clean

Well nothing happened day 7, it was an average day for me. So blah blah blah day seven. Day eight I fixed things with my best friend but he left some questions in mind. All my friends are happy were friends again. I'm starting to find this to be pointless. I am not addicted to weed any more than I am soda (which i think is gross but drink root beer occasionally). It was just me living in the moment rebelling against being told what I couldn't do trying to push people away like always. Yep that's it.

Day 6 Clean

Well day 6 was another boring day left alone to remember how much I miss my best friend. But I guess these are my three theories on why I smoke.
1) Freedom: The ability to be my own boss, and do whatever I want, when i want and how I want.
        This is really stupid logic! This type of freedom I should express wisely.
2) Escapism: The sheer joy of just saying forget the world and relax with friends.
        This relaxation is not worth the outcomes. Much easier to read a book or play a game.
3)Replacement: Hiding that you smoke pot is much easier than hiding that you cut yourself and less dangerous.
         This may seem logical but replacing an addiction with a bad habit is bound to cause another addiction.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Day 5 Clean

So it seems some days are easier than others. Another pretty good day and no mishaps. Pretty much still focusing on the ex best friend though instead of cleansing. I'm pretty sure on Monday I'm going t talk to him and work things out. Well i guess there's nothing really new to say but hey I survived one more day!


Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Day 4 Clean

Well Day 4 was my first Thursday and I survived. Thursday I spend by myself because I have no school, so it's just me and my thoughts. I went over a million different ideas on how to get my best friend back but nothing seemed realistic and it ended up just upsetting my boyfriend more. My arm tingled a lot craving a razor, which for those who don't know is my real addiction that I gave up a few years ago, but I ignored it. I realized that weed was a replacement for cutting and a type of freedom I really didn't want. I'll explain those realizations later when I figure them out.

James 1:2-4

Testing of Your Faith Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Day 3 Clean

Day 3 felt a lot like day one, may even have been worse. I woke up excited to turn my English paper in and be done with it. I talked to two of my guy friends in English but I dreaded leaving class. I knew as soon as I left Id walk down stairs to biology where id find my use to be best friend talking to mutual friends outside my next class. I ended up skipping that class as my heart shattered seeing his face. Of course he ended up skipping his class too and walked over to his best friend that I was about to tell I couldn't be friends with him anymore either. We took us both a lot of strength to just say hi and all the pain in the world to sit there awkwardly in silence. I ended up walking away crying to my group of friends who tried to cheer me up. I felt like dying and it wasn't because of no weed. Actually weed has barely crossed my mind, all I can think about is how I lost him. My own boyfriend was even jealous of how heart broken I am over losing him. God please show me what to do I'm lost.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit 

Day 2 Clean

Well the saying is true the first day is the hardest..or at least so far. I let another friend go but I wasn't very close to him. Some people believe I'm stupid for all this but I believe nothing is stupid if it is done in the name of God. I feel as though I'm in the eye of the storm. It hurt not to hang out with my friends because a few of them smoking but it was more numbing than anything. I'm actually afraid of the pain to come. But I know when it comes Jesus will be right there with and he is much stronger than any problem. For now I just have to preserver.

Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Day 1 Clean

So the first day was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I had to walk away from my best friend after he told me he loves me. I'm pretty sure a part of me died when I walked away. I also am in the process of losing more friends but man he was the hardest. Than that night a friend gave me a solution to keep the guy I just lost. Which threw my mind into a frenzy trying to figure out what's right. At this point the best thing to do is breathe in and out while praying to God.

Proverbs 12:26 One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

30 Days of Cleansing

Jesus has called me to be his servant but I am unable to completely  serve him while I have the nasty habit of smoking. So for the next 30 days I am going to cleanse my body and soul no matter what the cost. I will bear my cross because Jesus gave everything for me and now it's my turn to give everything to him.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
- Philippians 4:13

Insane

The Old me is slipping up again, the insanity is rising just above the skin.
The lust is capturing
The wrath is vindictive
The attention is thriving
The habits are tempting

Where do you draw the line? Where do you say this is ok, it's me and when is it ok to say that's not who I am and it should change? Or am I just Insane?

Stop the Games!

"The way you move is like a full on rain storm and I'm a house of cards"

You are everything I use to hate but somewhere along the way I found a pretty cool friend to do crazy shit with. I wrote a blog sometime a go called "Typical or Not-so-Typical Teenager" about how he should've been the one I liked instead of his best friend.

STOP! I began writing this yesterday with a different mind set. I'm tired of all the drama and the crap over a single guy that's hardly around. What the hell am I fighting for??? A guy that plays nothing but mind games, drugs and sex???

Lies are so easy to fall into but in the morning sun so easy to catch! If you want to be a part of this Twisted life, PROVE IT!

Stop the Games!

It's Time Again to Run Away

Have I truly lost myself?
I spent Friday in my room and most likely today too.
What happen to all my thousand friends, Did I give them all away for a guy???
I keep changing or more like pushing the insanity back...
I live one life with him and another at school (the only time I see my friends)
James is gone, Bay is Gone... Ry and Chris are never around, Zack is gone, Latasha is gone, "the group" is becoming less of a hang out and more of a annoyance.
That leaves me 6 friends and 3 hours a week.....
WHOA! My friends went from everything to 3 out of 168 hours,180 out of 10080mins
Where's the times those numbers were about even and why are they slipping away?
What do I do, where do I try and please someone stop me from running away!

Never is

I feel the insanity pulsing through my blood, rushing to the skin, waiting to escape. Emotions are high and I can't keep up my block. Drugs enter my mind, it's the ultimate block but I'm not sure it's worth the price I have to pay. I need my friend, he see's the insanity, through the mask and knows the cure. Of course his games tear us apart. If only others would see though he gains his powers through their grudges. If only they could forgive and forget, than he would be powerless. But that is not the problem at stake... This insanity is! I'm drowning in ti and I feel as though there's nothing to hold on to. So many false promises to slow down the insanity, but is it worth it? No, it never is!

Masking Insanity

Insanity remains just beneath the skin. You can ignore for it is not seen but what about the night? Can you smile through the agony when no one's there? Can you laugh at the memories your forced to leave behind? Am I really speaking about this in third person like it isn't me. Like I'm this amazing girl, with this amazing change and amazing friends. News Flash... That's NOT me!!! I miss my crazy friends, i can't walk away from the memories, the tears pour every night this game goes on. I miss my old friends, I miss being care free and rebellious, I'm losing my twisted view to conform to god knows what! A good christian life, is that what God even called me to do? I thought my mission was to heal the broken by standing with them, by showing the love in the mist of danger and adrenaline. The drugs made things easier to handle but my back bone has been destroyed and I handle everything by bottling it up? What happens when the insanity rips through the surface and takes back what's rightful its? What will happen when all that's left is the broken rebel she always was. When the curtains draw back and the actress is uncovered will the audience leave?