Never

I can never explain to you why sometimes I'm quite, why sometimes there's no words to say and I seem distant. But you can listen to the dial tone one more time and see that image burned in your head just one more time and maybe then you'll start to understand why sometimes I'm quite. Maybe you can bounce around from friends to friends, just attempting to find someone who will stay. Maybe if you hold all my shattered remains and read each story, each individual piece holds, you'll see why I can never explain why sometimes I just walk away. If you look into my eyes, you will see all the past loves and lies and the hurt would not seem so distant. Maybe all of that would be too much to understand though because you are not broken. You have not fought to remain walking towards the light. You will never know, no matter how much you try. . .

Life Storm

"Don't kiss me if your afraid of thunder. My life is a storm.
-Anita krizzan
I want to hide away from the warm feeling. Your smile is dazzling but my lighting is devastating. Good things never last long and sane people always walk away.
They say time can heal a broken heart but it can also break a waiting heart. So what if I'm a broken girl waiting for someone to stay.. Can I shattered more than I already have? Can so much normalcy and goodness shattered what's left of my heart? Can a person really pick themselves up from devastation or do they just remain stuck in misery?
"How do you run from what's inside your head?"
I could write a novel pondering this very question. If my monster is in my mind, how do I defeat him? In a world where angels crave chaos and demons seek peace, how do we survive? When our vices become vipers, how do we stand back up? When the blood is pouring out like the showers during a thunderstorm, can you bear to stay?
Please don't kiss me like that if your afraid of thunder. This storm is quite a life.

Last Goodbye

Hey you,
I never got a chance to explain. Please give me a second to speak up. Weeks, months went by in a struggling relationship. A roommate that hates me and a boyfriend that didn't trust me. Stress levels sky rocketed with no one to turn to. I felt alone for the first time in my life with no where to turn in a unfamiliar city. My manic episodes increased as my sanity decreased by day, hour, minute. I am no longer fit for a relationship, I'm scared and finding myself lashing out again. I find myself clinging to the only people that are there for me, even if that's an unpopular decision. Would you stay in a relationship that added to your stress and desires to abuse an addiction? yeah well that was my deciding question, the longer I waited to tell you, the worse I felt. But your life was busy and stressful, I didn't want to add to it. I love you, or I thought at one point I did. Maybe it was the comfortable feeling I fell in love with. I am sorry but this relationship wasn't going anywhere. You can hate him or blame us but it's not him. Yes I admit there's feelings there, feelings I've tried to squash but really i just want to be 21. i want to drink, fall in lust, make mistakes and have the time of my life. You need someone more stable and mature. I'm sorry this didn't work out the way we planned but thanks for the memories!
Sincerly,
The Girl Who Never Meant To Hurt You

The Left Behind

Why is my first notion always to run, To disappear from sight and leave the guy left behind? So easily I break away from everyone that lets me in, I cant seem to respond properly or let them in, in return. I build soo many invisible walls that no one every notices and it's deceitful! I hear the whispers of another girl but I know there not true. I feel the breaking of my cool as I'm belittled one more time, but yet I continue to hold in my feelings. I see the distrust that keeps me away from friends but don't i deserve it? So many easy reasons to leave but if I do what am I leaving behind?

What I can't seem to say. . .

Why can't I just tell you how I feel? I sit there motionless, listening but unable to speak. I can't form coherent thoughts to respond, I can only listen to you pledding for me to say something, anything. My brain just shuts down under the overwhelleming emotions that I just can't feel. Then when I eventually sort through my emotions, I'm too afraid to respond. I am not the fearless, confident girl that you see. I am a broken girl that is scared to share her emotions, scared to speak up for her beliefs but mostly just afraid of one more person leaving her all alone.
So how I feel:
    I feel as though addiction is just an excuss. Hear me out. I've struggled with cutting since I was 13. That's 8 real years of addiction, I am in no way belittling the struggle of addiction, I understand. But at the same time it's a very conscious decison to make. Withdraw is hard, it sucks but so does losing sooo much from addiction. I realize axiety is a real issue, just as any mental issue is real, especially to the person dealing with it. I also realize many people face the same issues every day and do not use any type of medicine. I not saying you shouldn't use your prescription, I'm saying there is no excuss for abusing it. We all bleed the same way. I'm in no way trying to belittle your problems but there is better ways to deal with them.
   Everyone comes with a set of issues, it makes them human. I would never consider leaving someone because they fall short, because they have flaws. But we should strive to overcome our shortcomings. I don not intend to stay with a person who is unable to grow and work on their issues. To say "It'll probably happen again," means your just giving up. It's ok to try your best to overcome your issues and to fail, as long as you get back up and try again. Have a game plan and try to stick to it. You'll be suprised how supportive people are when they see you actually trying to better yourself.
   While I'm on my soap box I might as well tell you I'm struggling with issues too. I'm hiding behind esxuces and poorly justifing to make myself feel better. I struggle to rise above earthly desires. I know how God feels about it but I turn my back on his feelings for a little pleasure. It's so wrong but I continue to find pleasure in it. The bibile clearly states sex outside of marraige is sin and is wrong. I stand and say God, break my heart for what breaks yours (and then silently think well except...) and it's about to time to stand up and actually mean it. I don't want to have sex anymore (not an easy thing to commit to).

I'm a broken girl, who is very scared of your reaction to theses raw emotions and thoughts. But I trust in God that they are the right emotions and thoughts, so I will stand by them. Hopefully you can understand.

Decide

Irrational, yeah I am, more than your average girl.
That's no reason to dismiss my feelings and belittle me though.
     My whole life I've put up with snide remarks and people that are suppose to care overlooking my "dramatic feelings." I'm pretty much done with that. I know my feeling are extreme and silly at times but that's actually how it feels to me. I can't help it, its called BIPOLAR. It's a disease, I can't cure it.
    Therefore if you want to be in this twisted life, then you have to deal with it. No you don't have to agree with it but at least show compassion instead of putting up an argument in the middle of my thought process. My emotions, extreme as they are, feel so real to me and they are NOT to be belittled. I need people in my life that can understand that statement.
   I'm done with people that can't handle this, So decided if your with me or if your walking away like so many before you.

Twisted Story

Darling your begging is quite repulsive, it's too late to ride your white horse in to save the day. I be damned if you think I'll be a pretty princess all helpless and just looking for you to complete my life. My story should be focused on me, not some Prince who is "better than thou" or that crap. Id rather be Mulan and go out and fight. Id rather my story be about me and my adventures, maybe I just want to save the day myself. Im done with this, with you. This isn't love and life isn't a fairytale! This is small town USA and just a another rebellious chick with a Twisted Soul.

Have you ever...

Have you ever wanted to just be someone else? The thought of getting in your car and driving to a new location where your name is unknown and your face is just a mystery. Where you can be whoever you want to be, dye your hair, change your clothes and just be someone else. That seems to be my dream way to often but then I see a shooting star.
Have you ever wished you could be that bright playful person you were before your innocence was ripped away? Or maybe you just want to go back to where every night was something new, you just jumped in the passenger seat and went wherever. You smiled and laughed and learned new games. The winter where the cold wasn't too bad and leaves blowing were inspirational, along with the brown guitar.
Have you ever wanted to thank someone for memories? Someone that's no longer around and neither is the feeling but just a moment of those butterflies were enough to last a lifetime. Remember driving around with no place to go or walking the beach at night.
Does the radio ever put you right back into that place? Like right now "Red" is reminding me of all the passion. Ever wonder if you were onto something when you thought life was something more than just yourself, the notion two is better than one? Ever wanted matching jerseys but afraid one would be better than the other?

Ever wonder what would've happened if things were different? If drugs didn't exist and a heart could break even. Ever wanted to just go out drinking and have a good time to forget it all?
I do, all of these, I do. I write to admit my feelings, to banish my pride, to say I'm sorry!

Tiring

Its a cycle of emotional damange
Love and worry and pain and happiness and sadness and worry. Wow its tiring

Hope

If you had one chance
, would you take? Even if the chances were slim would u still try? I'm holding on to a single thread knowing hope will carry we through. Love prevails