Cutting Strings

for an independent person, I sure do always seek out comfort. I like the normal routine of life and usually just go along with whatever but my core is the exact opposite. I look at my tattoo idea and am reminded of my rebellion and everything my youth has stood for. Growing up shouldn't mean changing my views, morals or opinions. I should be loved for who I am not this good girl act. I'm not a dog and I don't want treats for doing good. No is a personal challenge that I always except and I dare someone to challenge me because I'm tired of letting others mold me

Same Story Different Boy

Let me tell the you a story of a fallen girl. . .
She had lost her way, the one boy she thought would always be there to hold her and death of a friend seemed to break her. She stopped caring and starting going through the motions. She found a "prince charming" to take all the pain way or at least to hide the pain. He molded her into everything she never wanted to be and she didn't even notice. At the core she was still her but  she was high on his version life, swallowing his ways abounding her friends who didn't understand. They were angry with her, they gave up on her and by the time she noticed the puppet she was everything she promised she'd never be.

Now hear the story of a strong girl . . .
She was determined for a better life, a way out of the poverty and hatred. She was fixing her mistakes and giving mercy to any that would allow her to. She was independent and wanting to change the world. She found a "prince charming" to help her be a better person. He molded her in the ways of right and wrong, while teaching her that she was a bad person in the past. Maybe she already thought that but he pronounced the thought and made her think it real. At the core she was still herself but she struggled to be that better person, she stepped on many friends in the process, debated on changing her looks and faced much hatred. Her friends are angry but since she was already faced the broken girl's story, she refuses now to let them go.   

Yes these stories highlight the same girl. The strong "prince charming" looks down upon the fallen's "prince charming" but are there ethics really that different? Haven't they harmed the girl's self alike?

A Broken Girl with a Pretty Smile

I just want to scream the pain away, to suffocate all these thoughts in between the screams and the damaged pillow. The Monster is boiling my blood, stretching just beneath the skin. It's a devastating cycle of the monster and hope swirling around dueling each other only to come up in an circle of losing and winning or just stalling on another, never reaching satisfaction for long. But of course I hold it all together with a  deceitful smile, fooling others with mislead beauty. I look around for the comfort of so many but only one seems to be around. And even he can't be much comfort. Because his love trashes at my stomach in this knot, with whispering devils reminding you of the similar promise that broke me to begin with. What am I or what are my plans without him? Of course there are answers unlike before but they seem very empty and numb. The mental block is slipping and no one can tell. I'm just a broken girl with a pretty smile.

Left Behind

As school ends I see our friendship following suit. We can't blame the seasons, the drugs, the lust or even the miles apart. We both will soon reap what we have separately sowed. Your path is leading towards disaster as mine is an endless sky of possibilities. He will not make my decisions though your mattress skills so often make yours. My mind is clear and alert while yours is lost in a smoke screen of ignorance. You coast through life as I begin to awaken from the haze. I fear I have much to leave behind and our cozy friendship is just one of the many cherished memories I leave behind on the road that leads to nowhere.

Check Your Heart

I don't understand how you claim to be a christian set apart from those believers who act wordly as though they know not God but then turn around and condemn someone to hell for their wrong doings. That was never God's love nor is it a way to present yourself as a follower of Christ! This is what leads people away.
A man stands on trail for death row, he murdered your friend and others. So now he deserves to burn in hell for all eternity He soul is worthless to you but what is his soul to God? Does God not love him as his own and sent his son to die for him.
Peter was one of the closet disciple to Christ. Yet before he turned to Christ he murdered people. One of those could have been your friend or your loved one. Does that mean Peter should burn in hell? A disciple that followed after God's own heart, has books in the Bible and deserves hell.
If that was the case we all deserve hell. But Jesus paid that price for that murderer, not just u and me. So please check our heart. No One deserves hell, just ask Jesus.

Days 7/8 Clean

Well nothing happened day 7, it was an average day for me. So blah blah blah day seven. Day eight I fixed things with my best friend but he left some questions in mind. All my friends are happy were friends again. I'm starting to find this to be pointless. I am not addicted to weed any more than I am soda (which i think is gross but drink root beer occasionally). It was just me living in the moment rebelling against being told what I couldn't do trying to push people away like always. Yep that's it.

Day 6 Clean

Well day 6 was another boring day left alone to remember how much I miss my best friend. But I guess these are my three theories on why I smoke.
1) Freedom: The ability to be my own boss, and do whatever I want, when i want and how I want.
        This is really stupid logic! This type of freedom I should express wisely.
2) Escapism: The sheer joy of just saying forget the world and relax with friends.
        This relaxation is not worth the outcomes. Much easier to read a book or play a game.
3)Replacement: Hiding that you smoke pot is much easier than hiding that you cut yourself and less dangerous.
         This may seem logical but replacing an addiction with a bad habit is bound to cause another addiction.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.