Dear Lost Love

I'm not sure what you are anymore
Maybe you are the hopes and dreams that escape me.
I don't know but here's what I do know:
1. Your my favorite dream walker, my dreams are incomplete until you show up and cause havok.
2. Some days I stay trapped in memory lane and your the only thing on my mind
3. Days go by, months go by but still I miss you
4. I love you
I'm not sure in what way I love you or why I love you. "Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano." All I know is nothing is the same without you.
- Nix

Dancing Through

"I'm a mess that's the best way to describe it"
The monster is stretching and yawning, it grumbles in my happiness. I want to scream, to cut him loose, to run while there's still time!

"We'll do some drugs, we'll fall in the love, while the world just shrugs"
They tell me I can not scream; they tell me not to stand out. When I do, I'm alone and unseen. When I seek the help I'm a charity case. When I try. . .I just drown in pain. "Let Go, I'll Bring you closer." That's pretty much all I want to hear.

"Every memory walking out the back door"
The old quickly fades away and if it wasn't so intense I'd wonder if it ever actually exist. How can someone that made you whole become a stranger, how can it mean nothing, when for so long it was everything? How you walk away and turn around as if it never happened? Those are questions I'll never know.

"Don't let someone tell you your no one"
Words still haunt me, plague my memory and crush my spirit. "Heartless Bitch!" Am I really? Can I even come across as that or act in that way. I know I react and then think and I can be selfish but does that really make heartless?

So many songs, thoughts and insanity dancing through my happiness, reminding me how the ending always works. Or is it really a circle in a constant battle which we call life?

Muse

I found a reason to write a muse if you must say. Pondering if two is better than one. . . The moment where the butterflies are everywhere, the moment where your breath is taken away, the moment you never want to let go. The start of something new, a little awkward or nervous but just that kiss drives it all  away and the only thought your left with is wow. Maybe I can believe that two is better than one. It's worth the risk, so Dear Heart, prepare for an adventure !

Same Story Different Boy

Let me tell the you a story of a fallen girl. . .
She had lost her way, the one boy she thought would always be there to hold her and death of a friend seemed to break her. She stopped caring and starting going through the motions. She found a "prince charming" to take all the pain way or at least to hide the pain. He molded her into everything she never wanted to be and she didn't even notice. At the core she was still her but  she was high on his version life, swallowing his ways abounding her friends who didn't understand. They were angry with her, they gave up on her and by the time she noticed the puppet she was everything she promised she'd never be.

Now hear the story of a strong girl . . .
She was determined for a better life, a way out of the poverty and hatred. She was fixing her mistakes and giving mercy to any that would allow her to. She was independent and wanting to change the world. She found a "prince charming" to help her be a better person. He molded her in the ways of right and wrong, while teaching her that she was a bad person in the past. Maybe she already thought that but he pronounced the thought and made her think it real. At the core she was still herself but she struggled to be that better person, she stepped on many friends in the process, debated on changing her looks and faced much hatred. Her friends are angry but since she was already faced the broken girl's story, she refuses now to let them go.   

Yes these stories highlight the same girl. The strong "prince charming" looks down upon the fallen's "prince charming" but are there ethics really that different? Haven't they harmed the girl's self alike?

Left Behind

As school ends I see our friendship following suit. We can't blame the seasons, the drugs, the lust or even the miles apart. We both will soon reap what we have separately sowed. Your path is leading towards disaster as mine is an endless sky of possibilities. He will not make my decisions though your mattress skills so often make yours. My mind is clear and alert while yours is lost in a smoke screen of ignorance. You coast through life as I begin to awaken from the haze. I fear I have much to leave behind and our cozy friendship is just one of the many cherished memories I leave behind on the road that leads to nowhere.

It's Time Again to Run Away

Have I truly lost myself?
I spent Friday in my room and most likely today too.
What happen to all my thousand friends, Did I give them all away for a guy???
I keep changing or more like pushing the insanity back...
I live one life with him and another at school (the only time I see my friends)
James is gone, Bay is Gone... Ry and Chris are never around, Zack is gone, Latasha is gone, "the group" is becoming less of a hang out and more of a annoyance.
That leaves me 6 friends and 3 hours a week.....
WHOA! My friends went from everything to 3 out of 168 hours,180 out of 10080mins
Where's the times those numbers were about even and why are they slipping away?
What do I do, where do I try and please someone stop me from running away!

Never is

I feel the insanity pulsing through my blood, rushing to the skin, waiting to escape. Emotions are high and I can't keep up my block. Drugs enter my mind, it's the ultimate block but I'm not sure it's worth the price I have to pay. I need my friend, he see's the insanity, through the mask and knows the cure. Of course his games tear us apart. If only others would see though he gains his powers through their grudges. If only they could forgive and forget, than he would be powerless. But that is not the problem at stake... This insanity is! I'm drowning in ti and I feel as though there's nothing to hold on to. So many false promises to slow down the insanity, but is it worth it? No, it never is!

Away?

insanity is crawling beneath my skin, I just can't hide from the overwhelming madness! This confident, cool rocker chick character will only last so long. Such a fool to believe this play would last. The truth is I'm insane and the knife offers the balance I need. But will this reveal the actress behind the curtain? Will he walk away or will the insanity push him away?Will things ever be ok?!

Trick or Treat!

Trick or Treat!

Little early for Halloween isn't it? But yet I'm playing a game of trick or treat. I want to be this character I've been tricking him into believing is me which is quite a treat! But we all know my twisted insanity can only be hidden for so long. Once the curtain reveals the actor behind the script I will be nothing but a foolish kid playing Trick or Treat winning best costume!

Numbing of the Pain

Getting over you or use to the pain?

5 a.m wake up, I survived another day with no tears for you...
That old song brought up memories for a second but they faded...
That cute girl drives me absolutely crazy...
Our text messages no longer leave a gashing hole...

But I'm afraid it's just the Numbing of the Pain

Cry For Help

This cry for help cuts me to the soul.
What do you do when a girl confesses her love to you while dealing with major issues and is depending on you BUT you've already moved on? I care about her but what about the guy right here at home? The one I want so badly and ready to trust him this time.... In over my head and this numbing sensation from the current situation leaves me too, Crying Out For Help!

Twisted Thoughts

So I told him he had to prove himself and no shit guess what...
he is actually trying to do exactly that :O
Didn't see that coming....
He is coming over in the am so stay tuned for for twisted thoughts

Change

My heart forgave you in assumptions that you had walked away for good. Now you throw around promises with whiskey on your breath, I would say come back sober but your more truthful, more you in this state of mind. This awkward punk rock chick is fencing  between her old life with your drugs and her new life that seems to be coming together. Easy choice right, of course but temptation's pressure grows and my heart wants to believe that you could change. 

College Experience

You said goodbye, you said "Don't be sorry Nix, I'm sorry."

Well dear I'm not sorry I won't add to your jar of hearts, I just wish I wouldn't have fell for a boy who wouldn't catch me. You took my v-card so I guess I won't forget you but when the memory comes up I'll laugh and the only response about you I'll have to say is: "Crazy college kids"
That's all you are, were.... the stupid college experience. No more, no less.
It's a shame to lose your best friend, he was a good friend to me but I realize he too plays games just a slightly different one than you.
Thanks for the full College Experience!

Second Chance?

"saturday at the _________ i didnt really fill tht condom up or any of tht idk if u knew this or could tell but_____ walkd away cryin i think"

This is pretty much a Jerk statement!
1st Off he states the obvious making him sound like he is calling me stupid!
2nd Yeah him pretty much ruined my first time having sex, thanks for bringing it back up!
3rd Both him and his best friend wanted in my pants, he didn't get to BooHoo he has his own girlfriend!
4rth I noticed him crying, I've even talked to him about it. . .Oh well I've told him I don't see him that way!
5th Way to be a man. . .start something you can't finish!
6th He IMed me this!

He than goes on to say this "but um tht doest mean i dont wanna fuck you though"

Why the hell didn't he finish what he started! He might not get a second chance!

FEEDBACK? PLEASE!

My Twisted Havoc

This Twisted soul is starting to be well content

He may not be labeled as my "boyfriend" but we have an amazing time together and that's all that matters. Only one week left of College and looking back on this year I've made some pretty epically awesome friends ♥ I've fallen several times and left many scars but each time I got back up and started a new adventure. So what if I made a lot of mistakes I'm not perfect. . . I'm Twisted!

And I wouldn't Have it any other way as a start my next adventure. . . About 2 and a half weeks out till Basic Training where I'll become Army Strong and Who knows what Havoc awaits me there (:

Haunt Me!

I'm falling for your game. The incredible feeling of skin against skin the closeness of you inside of me  vs. Days without speaking and little to say soberly around the rest of the world. You will kiss me all over but you won't hold my hand. You whisper lines I want to believe, than I'm just one of the guys. From the outside looking in I'm just a fuck buddy but you say I'm more and at times you act like were more. You'll stand up for me and smoke with me, I'm cool enough to hang with your friends and my friends are growing on you.

But I leave soon.. 3 weeks. Than what? I'm gone, this is gone... So please give me something that will Haunt Me!

Sex, Drugs And . . . A Hippie Festival

The insanity reached a boiling point... with sex, drugs, and a hippie festival.

I had sex for the first time Saturday with the guy I've been seeing. It wasn't what I expected at all but my body carves more and emotional I feel the attachment I  promised I won't feel. I'm beginning to fall knowing he won't catch.

Trying to avoid drugs with my new friends is a huge joke so again I was smoking Saturday (legal stuff). 10min after sex though we went to find a friend who was smoking pots to only be found by the cops. Thankfully I didn't get in any trouble but my some what boyfriend was charged with possession.

And all this happened at a Hippie festival on Saturday.... It's now Tuesday and  still haven't heard from this guy and my emotions are going haywire. I'm beginning to believe I'll just be another heart in his collection jar.

I Don't Want To Love You

I love you.
There I admit it.... I love you!
No matter how I try I can't get over you
New Boyfriend ✔
Stay Busy✔
Never say your name✔
Keep you out of my dreams✔


But all you have to do is re appear and all my feelings come rushing back but
I Don't Want To Love You!

Last Letter to Daniel

I thought I was done writing letters to you on a blog where you most likely will never read them but I guess I have one last one to write. After our last fight man I was so angry, here we had fixed things only to fight again. And again you were right and man do I hate being wrong!
But I realized we are very different people who live very different lives. You take everything so serious you forget to have a little fun and I put myself to out there only to be hurt realizing life isn't a fairytale.
Everyone saw how awful my relationship was and you tried to talk sense into me but I wanted to believe he loved me, that we could find away. But we didn't and we won't.It sucks cause believe it or not we did love each other.
I know I have a lot of growing up to do and maybe I have a little but I also feel like I'm losing myself and my old life. Maybe change is good, maybe the past should stay behind me. Actually that last sentence makes a lot of sense. The past should be left behind.
Good-Bye