Day 6 Clean

Well day 6 was another boring day left alone to remember how much I miss my best friend. But I guess these are my three theories on why I smoke.
1) Freedom: The ability to be my own boss, and do whatever I want, when i want and how I want.
        This is really stupid logic! This type of freedom I should express wisely.
2) Escapism: The sheer joy of just saying forget the world and relax with friends.
        This relaxation is not worth the outcomes. Much easier to read a book or play a game.
3)Replacement: Hiding that you smoke pot is much easier than hiding that you cut yourself and less dangerous.
         This may seem logical but replacing an addiction with a bad habit is bound to cause another addiction.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Day 5 Clean

So it seems some days are easier than others. Another pretty good day and no mishaps. Pretty much still focusing on the ex best friend though instead of cleansing. I'm pretty sure on Monday I'm going t talk to him and work things out. Well i guess there's nothing really new to say but hey I survived one more day!


Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Day 4 Clean

Well Day 4 was my first Thursday and I survived. Thursday I spend by myself because I have no school, so it's just me and my thoughts. I went over a million different ideas on how to get my best friend back but nothing seemed realistic and it ended up just upsetting my boyfriend more. My arm tingled a lot craving a razor, which for those who don't know is my real addiction that I gave up a few years ago, but I ignored it. I realized that weed was a replacement for cutting and a type of freedom I really didn't want. I'll explain those realizations later when I figure them out.

James 1:2-4

Testing of Your Faith Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Day 3 Clean

Day 3 felt a lot like day one, may even have been worse. I woke up excited to turn my English paper in and be done with it. I talked to two of my guy friends in English but I dreaded leaving class. I knew as soon as I left Id walk down stairs to biology where id find my use to be best friend talking to mutual friends outside my next class. I ended up skipping that class as my heart shattered seeing his face. Of course he ended up skipping his class too and walked over to his best friend that I was about to tell I couldn't be friends with him anymore either. We took us both a lot of strength to just say hi and all the pain in the world to sit there awkwardly in silence. I ended up walking away crying to my group of friends who tried to cheer me up. I felt like dying and it wasn't because of no weed. Actually weed has barely crossed my mind, all I can think about is how I lost him. My own boyfriend was even jealous of how heart broken I am over losing him. God please show me what to do I'm lost.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit 

Day 2 Clean

Well the saying is true the first day is the hardest..or at least so far. I let another friend go but I wasn't very close to him. Some people believe I'm stupid for all this but I believe nothing is stupid if it is done in the name of God. I feel as though I'm in the eye of the storm. It hurt not to hang out with my friends because a few of them smoking but it was more numbing than anything. I'm actually afraid of the pain to come. But I know when it comes Jesus will be right there with and he is much stronger than any problem. For now I just have to preserver.

Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Day 1 Clean

So the first day was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I had to walk away from my best friend after he told me he loves me. I'm pretty sure a part of me died when I walked away. I also am in the process of losing more friends but man he was the hardest. Than that night a friend gave me a solution to keep the guy I just lost. Which threw my mind into a frenzy trying to figure out what's right. At this point the best thing to do is breathe in and out while praying to God.

Proverbs 12:26 One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

30 Days of Cleansing

Jesus has called me to be his servant but I am unable to completely  serve him while I have the nasty habit of smoking. So for the next 30 days I am going to cleanse my body and soul no matter what the cost. I will bear my cross because Jesus gave everything for me and now it's my turn to give everything to him.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
- Philippians 4:13

Insane

The Old me is slipping up again, the insanity is rising just above the skin.
The lust is capturing
The wrath is vindictive
The attention is thriving
The habits are tempting

Where do you draw the line? Where do you say this is ok, it's me and when is it ok to say that's not who I am and it should change? Or am I just Insane?

Stop the Games!

"The way you move is like a full on rain storm and I'm a house of cards"

You are everything I use to hate but somewhere along the way I found a pretty cool friend to do crazy shit with. I wrote a blog sometime a go called "Typical or Not-so-Typical Teenager" about how he should've been the one I liked instead of his best friend.

STOP! I began writing this yesterday with a different mind set. I'm tired of all the drama and the crap over a single guy that's hardly around. What the hell am I fighting for??? A guy that plays nothing but mind games, drugs and sex???

Lies are so easy to fall into but in the morning sun so easy to catch! If you want to be a part of this Twisted life, PROVE IT!

Stop the Games!

Never is

I feel the insanity pulsing through my blood, rushing to the skin, waiting to escape. Emotions are high and I can't keep up my block. Drugs enter my mind, it's the ultimate block but I'm not sure it's worth the price I have to pay. I need my friend, he see's the insanity, through the mask and knows the cure. Of course his games tear us apart. If only others would see though he gains his powers through their grudges. If only they could forgive and forget, than he would be powerless. But that is not the problem at stake... This insanity is! I'm drowning in ti and I feel as though there's nothing to hold on to. So many false promises to slow down the insanity, but is it worth it? No, it never is!

Masking Insanity

Insanity remains just beneath the skin. You can ignore for it is not seen but what about the night? Can you smile through the agony when no one's there? Can you laugh at the memories your forced to leave behind? Am I really speaking about this in third person like it isn't me. Like I'm this amazing girl, with this amazing change and amazing friends. News Flash... That's NOT me!!! I miss my crazy friends, i can't walk away from the memories, the tears pour every night this game goes on. I miss my old friends, I miss being care free and rebellious, I'm losing my twisted view to conform to god knows what! A good christian life, is that what God even called me to do? I thought my mission was to heal the broken by standing with them, by showing the love in the mist of danger and adrenaline. The drugs made things easier to handle but my back bone has been destroyed and I handle everything by bottling it up? What happens when the insanity rips through the surface and takes back what's rightful its? What will happen when all that's left is the broken rebel she always was. When the curtains draw back and the actress is uncovered will the audience leave?

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,
You know what....I'm Done!

The past no longer has an effect on me nor do the people I'm leaving behind in that past. Another step forward without looking back. In my twisted reality there is always room for change and a light to guide me. Jesus is the way and the truth. Better than any lust, drug or sin of this world

xoxo,
Twisted

P.s - oh yeah and Heart be prepared for a roller coaster cause I meet this guy and yeah you can guess the rest!

Done

I'm tired of of giving chance after chance only to see the actions produced by drugs and lust. My ears bleed at the sound of more candy coated lies. If you were here (funny right?!) I'd have one last thing to say, "I'm done." That's it plain and simple, no wrath upon you just simple words of regret.

Change

My heart forgave you in assumptions that you had walked away for good. Now you throw around promises with whiskey on your breath, I would say come back sober but your more truthful, more you in this state of mind. This awkward punk rock chick is fencing  between her old life with your drugs and her new life that seems to be coming together. Easy choice right, of course but temptation's pressure grows and my heart wants to believe that you could change. 

College Experience

You said goodbye, you said "Don't be sorry Nix, I'm sorry."

Well dear I'm not sorry I won't add to your jar of hearts, I just wish I wouldn't have fell for a boy who wouldn't catch me. You took my v-card so I guess I won't forget you but when the memory comes up I'll laugh and the only response about you I'll have to say is: "Crazy college kids"
That's all you are, were.... the stupid college experience. No more, no less.
It's a shame to lose your best friend, he was a good friend to me but I realize he too plays games just a slightly different one than you.
Thanks for the full College Experience!

Sex, Drugs And . . . A Hippie Festival

The insanity reached a boiling point... with sex, drugs, and a hippie festival.

I had sex for the first time Saturday with the guy I've been seeing. It wasn't what I expected at all but my body carves more and emotional I feel the attachment I  promised I won't feel. I'm beginning to fall knowing he won't catch.

Trying to avoid drugs with my new friends is a huge joke so again I was smoking Saturday (legal stuff). 10min after sex though we went to find a friend who was smoking pots to only be found by the cops. Thankfully I didn't get in any trouble but my some what boyfriend was charged with possession.

And all this happened at a Hippie festival on Saturday.... It's now Tuesday and  still haven't heard from this guy and my emotions are going haywire. I'm beginning to believe I'll just be another heart in his collection jar.

Twisted Roller Coaster

Well my twist always keeps things interesting....

->I still miss my ex to extreme measures and the friend that recently passed away in a car crash
->The new guy I'm talking to might only be interested in sex drugs and rap???? Oh yeah and smoking is my new addiction. FYI rap imo is Retards Attempting Poetry
-> Speaking of addictions the urge to cut has returned
-> Depression is again taking it's toll
->But overall things aren't too bad

Yep I'm a Twisted Roller Coaster

Downward Spiral

reality is taking it's toll once again...

His death is weighting down on me along with his secret he never got to reveal because of me
Our break up sent me spiraling downwards even father once you found her
Drugs seems so appealing lately
And Daniel wrote on "Last letter to Daniel"
I don't understand what's wrong with me, my life is constantly in the state of insanity and the more I escape reality the worse reality becomes. Maybe this Twisted Outlook isn't as great as I once believed.
Don't be fooled being different is awesome but this downward spiral is messing up my twist.