Never Ending Circle

It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. Life is like a circle that never ends. Some days your on top and some your on bottom and some days your just awkwardly in the middle just hanging there. But hey it's no big deal because if life was a straight line it would be dead.....
Change is always pushing it's way into the surface of normality. You try to cling to familiarity but find yourself only holding the thin air. . . Nothings even there. People come and People go. You grow attached only to be ripped in half and crazily you do it all over again with the next person. What did I tell you, it's a never ending circle.
Your bipolar or manic depressive, your addicted, your out of your mind "but still you try to control it." You wear your mask so well, you soon forget this is just an act, you become the character you've created and the pain becomes real and mistakes are permanent. People fly to Florida just to rid of this story you have put them in and all you do is rewrite the script with a new character. Even your act is never ending circle!
It all comes down to the wire and you forget if your on top or bottom. You face the change as if it it's your demons and you force the curtains to close and play to end so reality can once again take place. Ah but don't worry dear, that only means circle has re-begun. It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. . .

Dancing Through

"I'm a mess that's the best way to describe it"
The monster is stretching and yawning, it grumbles in my happiness. I want to scream, to cut him loose, to run while there's still time!

"We'll do some drugs, we'll fall in the love, while the world just shrugs"
They tell me I can not scream; they tell me not to stand out. When I do, I'm alone and unseen. When I seek the help I'm a charity case. When I try. . .I just drown in pain. "Let Go, I'll Bring you closer." That's pretty much all I want to hear.

"Every memory walking out the back door"
The old quickly fades away and if it wasn't so intense I'd wonder if it ever actually exist. How can someone that made you whole become a stranger, how can it mean nothing, when for so long it was everything? How you walk away and turn around as if it never happened? Those are questions I'll never know.

"Don't let someone tell you your no one"
Words still haunt me, plague my memory and crush my spirit. "Heartless Bitch!" Am I really? Can I even come across as that or act in that way. I know I react and then think and I can be selfish but does that really make heartless?

So many songs, thoughts and insanity dancing through my happiness, reminding me how the ending always works. Or is it really a circle in a constant battle which we call life?

A Broken Girl with a Pretty Smile

I just want to scream the pain away, to suffocate all these thoughts in between the screams and the damaged pillow. The Monster is boiling my blood, stretching just beneath the skin. It's a devastating cycle of the monster and hope swirling around dueling each other only to come up in an circle of losing and winning or just stalling on another, never reaching satisfaction for long. But of course I hold it all together with a  deceitful smile, fooling others with mislead beauty. I look around for the comfort of so many but only one seems to be around. And even he can't be much comfort. Because his love trashes at my stomach in this knot, with whispering devils reminding you of the similar promise that broke me to begin with. What am I or what are my plans without him? Of course there are answers unlike before but they seem very empty and numb. The mental block is slipping and no one can tell. I'm just a broken girl with a pretty smile.

Insane

The Old me is slipping up again, the insanity is rising just above the skin.
The lust is capturing
The wrath is vindictive
The attention is thriving
The habits are tempting

Where do you draw the line? Where do you say this is ok, it's me and when is it ok to say that's not who I am and it should change? Or am I just Insane?

Stop the Games!

"The way you move is like a full on rain storm and I'm a house of cards"

You are everything I use to hate but somewhere along the way I found a pretty cool friend to do crazy shit with. I wrote a blog sometime a go called "Typical or Not-so-Typical Teenager" about how he should've been the one I liked instead of his best friend.

STOP! I began writing this yesterday with a different mind set. I'm tired of all the drama and the crap over a single guy that's hardly around. What the hell am I fighting for??? A guy that plays nothing but mind games, drugs and sex???

Lies are so easy to fall into but in the morning sun so easy to catch! If you want to be a part of this Twisted life, PROVE IT!

Stop the Games!

It's Time Again to Run Away

Have I truly lost myself?
I spent Friday in my room and most likely today too.
What happen to all my thousand friends, Did I give them all away for a guy???
I keep changing or more like pushing the insanity back...
I live one life with him and another at school (the only time I see my friends)
James is gone, Bay is Gone... Ry and Chris are never around, Zack is gone, Latasha is gone, "the group" is becoming less of a hang out and more of a annoyance.
That leaves me 6 friends and 3 hours a week.....
WHOA! My friends went from everything to 3 out of 168 hours,180 out of 10080mins
Where's the times those numbers were about even and why are they slipping away?
What do I do, where do I try and please someone stop me from running away!

Never is

I feel the insanity pulsing through my blood, rushing to the skin, waiting to escape. Emotions are high and I can't keep up my block. Drugs enter my mind, it's the ultimate block but I'm not sure it's worth the price I have to pay. I need my friend, he see's the insanity, through the mask and knows the cure. Of course his games tear us apart. If only others would see though he gains his powers through their grudges. If only they could forgive and forget, than he would be powerless. But that is not the problem at stake... This insanity is! I'm drowning in ti and I feel as though there's nothing to hold on to. So many false promises to slow down the insanity, but is it worth it? No, it never is!

Masking Insanity

Insanity remains just beneath the skin. You can ignore for it is not seen but what about the night? Can you smile through the agony when no one's there? Can you laugh at the memories your forced to leave behind? Am I really speaking about this in third person like it isn't me. Like I'm this amazing girl, with this amazing change and amazing friends. News Flash... That's NOT me!!! I miss my crazy friends, i can't walk away from the memories, the tears pour every night this game goes on. I miss my old friends, I miss being care free and rebellious, I'm losing my twisted view to conform to god knows what! A good christian life, is that what God even called me to do? I thought my mission was to heal the broken by standing with them, by showing the love in the mist of danger and adrenaline. The drugs made things easier to handle but my back bone has been destroyed and I handle everything by bottling it up? What happens when the insanity rips through the surface and takes back what's rightful its? What will happen when all that's left is the broken rebel she always was. When the curtains draw back and the actress is uncovered will the audience leave?

Away?

insanity is crawling beneath my skin, I just can't hide from the overwhelming madness! This confident, cool rocker chick character will only last so long. Such a fool to believe this play would last. The truth is I'm insane and the knife offers the balance I need. But will this reveal the actress behind the curtain? Will he walk away or will the insanity push him away?Will things ever be ok?!