Never Ending Circle

It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. Life is like a circle that never ends. Some days your on top and some your on bottom and some days your just awkwardly in the middle just hanging there. But hey it's no big deal because if life was a straight line it would be dead.....
Change is always pushing it's way into the surface of normality. You try to cling to familiarity but find yourself only holding the thin air. . . Nothings even there. People come and People go. You grow attached only to be ripped in half and crazily you do it all over again with the next person. What did I tell you, it's a never ending circle.
Your bipolar or manic depressive, your addicted, your out of your mind "but still you try to control it." You wear your mask so well, you soon forget this is just an act, you become the character you've created and the pain becomes real and mistakes are permanent. People fly to Florida just to rid of this story you have put them in and all you do is rewrite the script with a new character. Even your act is never ending circle!
It all comes down to the wire and you forget if your on top or bottom. You face the change as if it it's your demons and you force the curtains to close and play to end so reality can once again take place. Ah but don't worry dear, that only means circle has re-begun. It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. . .

Dancing Through

"I'm a mess that's the best way to describe it"
The monster is stretching and yawning, it grumbles in my happiness. I want to scream, to cut him loose, to run while there's still time!

"We'll do some drugs, we'll fall in the love, while the world just shrugs"
They tell me I can not scream; they tell me not to stand out. When I do, I'm alone and unseen. When I seek the help I'm a charity case. When I try. . .I just drown in pain. "Let Go, I'll Bring you closer." That's pretty much all I want to hear.

"Every memory walking out the back door"
The old quickly fades away and if it wasn't so intense I'd wonder if it ever actually exist. How can someone that made you whole become a stranger, how can it mean nothing, when for so long it was everything? How you walk away and turn around as if it never happened? Those are questions I'll never know.

"Don't let someone tell you your no one"
Words still haunt me, plague my memory and crush my spirit. "Heartless Bitch!" Am I really? Can I even come across as that or act in that way. I know I react and then think and I can be selfish but does that really make heartless?

So many songs, thoughts and insanity dancing through my happiness, reminding me how the ending always works. Or is it really a circle in a constant battle which we call life?

Cutting Strings

for an independent person, I sure do always seek out comfort. I like the normal routine of life and usually just go along with whatever but my core is the exact opposite. I look at my tattoo idea and am reminded of my rebellion and everything my youth has stood for. Growing up shouldn't mean changing my views, morals or opinions. I should be loved for who I am not this good girl act. I'm not a dog and I don't want treats for doing good. No is a personal challenge that I always except and I dare someone to challenge me because I'm tired of letting others mold me

Left Behind

As school ends I see our friendship following suit. We can't blame the seasons, the drugs, the lust or even the miles apart. We both will soon reap what we have separately sowed. Your path is leading towards disaster as mine is an endless sky of possibilities. He will not make my decisions though your mattress skills so often make yours. My mind is clear and alert while yours is lost in a smoke screen of ignorance. You coast through life as I begin to awaken from the haze. I fear I have much to leave behind and our cozy friendship is just one of the many cherished memories I leave behind on the road that leads to nowhere.

Day 6 Clean

Well day 6 was another boring day left alone to remember how much I miss my best friend. But I guess these are my three theories on why I smoke.
1) Freedom: The ability to be my own boss, and do whatever I want, when i want and how I want.
        This is really stupid logic! This type of freedom I should express wisely.
2) Escapism: The sheer joy of just saying forget the world and relax with friends.
        This relaxation is not worth the outcomes. Much easier to read a book or play a game.
3)Replacement: Hiding that you smoke pot is much easier than hiding that you cut yourself and less dangerous.
         This may seem logical but replacing an addiction with a bad habit is bound to cause another addiction.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Day 4 Clean

Well Day 4 was my first Thursday and I survived. Thursday I spend by myself because I have no school, so it's just me and my thoughts. I went over a million different ideas on how to get my best friend back but nothing seemed realistic and it ended up just upsetting my boyfriend more. My arm tingled a lot craving a razor, which for those who don't know is my real addiction that I gave up a few years ago, but I ignored it. I realized that weed was a replacement for cutting and a type of freedom I really didn't want. I'll explain those realizations later when I figure them out.

James 1:2-4

Testing of Your Faith Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Day 1 Clean

So the first day was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I had to walk away from my best friend after he told me he loves me. I'm pretty sure a part of me died when I walked away. I also am in the process of losing more friends but man he was the hardest. Than that night a friend gave me a solution to keep the guy I just lost. Which threw my mind into a frenzy trying to figure out what's right. At this point the best thing to do is breathe in and out while praying to God.

Proverbs 12:26 One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,
You know what....I'm Done!

The past no longer has an effect on me nor do the people I'm leaving behind in that past. Another step forward without looking back. In my twisted reality there is always room for change and a light to guide me. Jesus is the way and the truth. Better than any lust, drug or sin of this world

xoxo,
Twisted

P.s - oh yeah and Heart be prepared for a roller coaster cause I meet this guy and yeah you can guess the rest!

Numbing of the Pain

Getting over you or use to the pain?

5 a.m wake up, I survived another day with no tears for you...
That old song brought up memories for a second but they faded...
That cute girl drives me absolutely crazy...
Our text messages no longer leave a gashing hole...

But I'm afraid it's just the Numbing of the Pain

Done

I'm tired of of giving chance after chance only to see the actions produced by drugs and lust. My ears bleed at the sound of more candy coated lies. If you were here (funny right?!) I'd have one last thing to say, "I'm done." That's it plain and simple, no wrath upon you just simple words of regret.

Cry For Help

This cry for help cuts me to the soul.
What do you do when a girl confesses her love to you while dealing with major issues and is depending on you BUT you've already moved on? I care about her but what about the guy right here at home? The one I want so badly and ready to trust him this time.... In over my head and this numbing sensation from the current situation leaves me too, Crying Out For Help!

Forgive

So tomorrow starts my new adventure in the Army.
Very excited but a tad bit nervous
The legal stuff I was smoking is now off the shelves but hopefully not able to show up in a drug test yet.
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong" -Gandhi

And with that quote, that sums out my feelings towards the guy I've been writing about, I leave my blog for 9weeks (Basic training)

Last Letter to Daniel

I thought I was done writing letters to you on a blog where you most likely will never read them but I guess I have one last one to write. After our last fight man I was so angry, here we had fixed things only to fight again. And again you were right and man do I hate being wrong!
But I realized we are very different people who live very different lives. You take everything so serious you forget to have a little fun and I put myself to out there only to be hurt realizing life isn't a fairytale.
Everyone saw how awful my relationship was and you tried to talk sense into me but I wanted to believe he loved me, that we could find away. But we didn't and we won't.It sucks cause believe it or not we did love each other.
I know I have a lot of growing up to do and maybe I have a little but I also feel like I'm losing myself and my old life. Maybe change is good, maybe the past should stay behind me. Actually that last sentence makes a lot of sense. The past should be left behind.
Good-Bye

You Never Loved Me At All

Why would you purposely hurt someone you love or better yet HOW could you purposely hurt someone you love?
This question has been haunting me and the answer is beyond my knowledge. I know I have messed up before and caused a lot of grief but I always had good intentions. I may walk a little bit sideways at times but I always took the road less traveled just for you. I did all I could and still it wasn't enough. & it will never be enough simply because fate will take its course. I admit I am a handful and a long shot gamble but never am I a flat out jerk. My life couldn't stopping spinning till you decided to come around. But the answer to my question might just be: You Never Loved Me At All

I do NOT miss him!

I won't admit it! I refuse to admit it! I don't care if it's true, I'm not admitting it!
I do NOT miss him!
I hope he's happy doing whatever cause obviously my feelings don't matter! I didn't mean to hurt him, I was only telling him the truth. He is an amazing guy but I'm not in love with him. I care about him and love him but he just isn't the right person for me.
& yeah i have a crush on this crazy rock star but i haven't seen him since our date. Talked to him some on fb but that's it. He's cool and all but really it's just a stupid crush... my ex shouldn't have made such a big deal about him but whatever.
I do NOT miss him!

Moment of Truth

Your everything the old me loved
I was terrified to take you back because I was afraid you wouldn't love the new me...
But after yesterday I' not so sure the new me is in love with you.
I know you'll blame my new friend and truth is I do like him
But that has nothing to do with us...
Truth is we were never meant to be
& boy does that suck!

Good-Bye

I could just lay here
Give into to the pain
Let go of my fear
And go insane
the comforting cold
calls my name
But I have to stand bold
Walk away from the game
Face my demons
Pick up my pride
Forget these reasons
I use for a guide
Tell you good-bye
And do not cry
Just another lesson to learn
With a picture to burn

Dare Not Ask

I can't believe you've read these letters to you. I never expected you to keep this URL, never the less to graduate basic and look back at it. After everything I put you through I thought I'd never hear from you again. It what I deserve. Not saying It's all my fault but I could've been a better friend. I could've been there when you needed me but I was always to self conceited. I want to hope for a friendship but I will ask for no such thing. I simply don't deserve it and you have no reason to believe I have changed. I have though and there's so much I want to say but so little to actually say. Read between the lines though and you will see my heart is still breaking over  the bridges we burned. I see so much more in between your lines though it's possible that's just my ego. I want our friendship back so much but I Dare Not Ask!

**These letters are to an amazing guy I never expected him to read but he did and it scares me to know he could read this one too!

Thoughtful Words

So we went our separate ways and your no longer here to help me deal with my problems. Now I'm standing on my own two feet. I think you'd find that hot but I believe you'd see right through my mask. You'd know my instability though no one around me notices. You would be on the verge of telling my boyfriend he's a fool for not being apart of my decision because it will affect My life (that he wants to be apart of). You would have thoughtful words about it while I fail to say anything to him to help him understand. Guess now he won't turn into a pizza and Britt won't eat him. Though I could imagine the story behind that joke happening if you were still around and man would it be funny. I still won't admit I miss you cause it would make it true. But i wish you were here to give me the thoughtful words I need. I need my boyfriend to be a part of my decision if he wants to apart of my life but I don't have your THOUGHTFUL WORDS.

This letter is to whom will never receive it due to going separate ways but will never be Forgotten!

Not Soon Forgotten

Today I thought about you and the day we had one year ago today. & though I know it shouldn't the memory brings a smile to my face. I should regret what I did but you know what, if I could go back one year I'd do it all over again. The whole day was fun not just parts of the day. I got out with friends and just had fun, no strings attached. It might have sparked more stupid decisions  and some I would change but this one I wouldn't. I won't admit I miss you, that would make it true and I just can't give into my emotions. But such a friend as you can never be forgotten. Yes we both made stupid decisions and had to go are separate ways but I wouldn't change a single thing...well maybe that one time we ditched school but then again probably not. Its a funny memory now that I look back and I can reassuringly tell you I'm not gay ha ha. I was wrong about loving you, I loved the attention and the way you made me believe that you knew where I was coming from. But I really did have feelings for , they just weren't as strong as I once believed. On the other hand You left a Impression NOT SOON FORGOTTEN

This letter is specially written to someone who will never get it. I have to stay strong and continue on my separate path and just pray that he is doing well ♥