Cutting Strings

for an independent person, I sure do always seek out comfort. I like the normal routine of life and usually just go along with whatever but my core is the exact opposite. I look at my tattoo idea and am reminded of my rebellion and everything my youth has stood for. Growing up shouldn't mean changing my views, morals or opinions. I should be loved for who I am not this good girl act. I'm not a dog and I don't want treats for doing good. No is a personal challenge that I always except and I dare someone to challenge me because I'm tired of letting others mold me

Masking Insanity

Insanity remains just beneath the skin. You can ignore for it is not seen but what about the night? Can you smile through the agony when no one's there? Can you laugh at the memories your forced to leave behind? Am I really speaking about this in third person like it isn't me. Like I'm this amazing girl, with this amazing change and amazing friends. News Flash... That's NOT me!!! I miss my crazy friends, i can't walk away from the memories, the tears pour every night this game goes on. I miss my old friends, I miss being care free and rebellious, I'm losing my twisted view to conform to god knows what! A good christian life, is that what God even called me to do? I thought my mission was to heal the broken by standing with them, by showing the love in the mist of danger and adrenaline. The drugs made things easier to handle but my back bone has been destroyed and I handle everything by bottling it up? What happens when the insanity rips through the surface and takes back what's rightful its? What will happen when all that's left is the broken rebel she always was. When the curtains draw back and the actress is uncovered will the audience leave?

Trick or Treat!

Trick or Treat!

Little early for Halloween isn't it? But yet I'm playing a game of trick or treat. I want to be this character I've been tricking him into believing is me which is quite a treat! But we all know my twisted insanity can only be hidden for so long. Once the curtain reveals the actor behind the script I will be nothing but a foolish kid playing Trick or Treat winning best costume!

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,
You know what....I'm Done!

The past no longer has an effect on me nor do the people I'm leaving behind in that past. Another step forward without looking back. In my twisted reality there is always room for change and a light to guide me. Jesus is the way and the truth. Better than any lust, drug or sin of this world

xoxo,
Twisted

P.s - oh yeah and Heart be prepared for a roller coaster cause I meet this guy and yeah you can guess the rest!

Twisted Thoughts

So I told him he had to prove himself and no shit guess what...
he is actually trying to do exactly that :O
Didn't see that coming....
He is coming over in the am so stay tuned for for twisted thoughts

Twisted View

Back from Basic...shit didn't work out
My depression really took a toll...
So I'm back for now
Which means you get a view into my Twisted Soul.....

My First Tattoo

My Twisted Havoc

This Twisted soul is starting to be well content

He may not be labeled as my "boyfriend" but we have an amazing time together and that's all that matters. Only one week left of College and looking back on this year I've made some pretty epically awesome friends ♥ I've fallen several times and left many scars but each time I got back up and started a new adventure. So what if I made a lot of mistakes I'm not perfect. . . I'm Twisted!

And I wouldn't Have it any other way as a start my next adventure. . . About 2 and a half weeks out till Basic Training where I'll become Army Strong and Who knows what Havoc awaits me there (:

Twisted Roller Coaster

Well my twist always keeps things interesting....

->I still miss my ex to extreme measures and the friend that recently passed away in a car crash
->The new guy I'm talking to might only be interested in sex drugs and rap???? Oh yeah and smoking is my new addiction. FYI rap imo is Retards Attempting Poetry
-> Speaking of addictions the urge to cut has returned
-> Depression is again taking it's toll
->But overall things aren't too bad

Yep I'm a Twisted Roller Coaster

Downward Spiral

reality is taking it's toll once again...

His death is weighting down on me along with his secret he never got to reveal because of me
Our break up sent me spiraling downwards even father once you found her
Drugs seems so appealing lately
And Daniel wrote on "Last letter to Daniel"
I don't understand what's wrong with me, my life is constantly in the state of insanity and the more I escape reality the worse reality becomes. Maybe this Twisted Outlook isn't as great as I once believed.
Don't be fooled being different is awesome but this downward spiral is messing up my twist. 

Second Chance

You and I walk a fragile line I have know this all the time but I never thought I'd see it break"

I feel like apologizing to everyone lately. The past is very haunting, looking back I can't even believe that it was me doing those things. Everyone was just a pawn in my twisted game. The aftermath though is a lose. The people I step over deserve so much better and I hate that they keep forgiving me. Can't they see I'm no good, that they are wonderful guys that deserve the best and not some twisted girl. I love my boyfriend and everything was going so well. The letters to Daniel didn't bother him at all but I'm sure the new responses do. I can't lose him, He is my other half, the one I love and everything important to me. But Daniel was an amazing friend that I... never mind that's not the point. What if we could be friends again? Love and Loyalty are put to the test, can I defeat my own game by stopping playing games or am I even worth the second chance?

Depression

I figured out what was wrong with me. I feel relived to know I'm not just crazy and I'm not alone. Depression runs in my family so good chances are that's what I have. So I found treatments without meds.

Exercise
Regular exercise helps you to feel healthier, increases the production of natural "feel good" chemicals in the body, boosts self-esteem and significantly reduces the symptoms of depression, stress and anxiety

Social Support
loneliness is one of the major causes of depression

Talk About It
Writing about your feelings is also therapeutic, so keep a journal, write a book or consult a professional.

Do Nice Things For Yourself
Learn how to say 'No' to others when it is appropriate and 'Yes' to yourself when you need it.

Diet
A carbohydrate rich diet helps the body produce serotonin - the 'feelgood' chemicall

Learn to Relax or Meditate
Relaxation techniques and meditation are easy to learn and are so effective in relieving stress, anxiety, and depression that I wonder why they are not routinely prescribed or even taught as a life skill at school!

Understand Your Symptoms
Symptoms of depression and anxiety are very troublesome, but they are also an 'early warning' signal from your body that something is not right and needs to change.

Feelgood Tip
Without looking loony, make eye contact, smile and greet each person you meet or pass (as long as it's not in a dark alley!). Count how many return your smile. Not only does it feel good to have people smile at you, the facial muscles involved in smiling send messages to the brain, causing an increase in production of natural feelgood brain chemicals!

Maybe after 10 years I have found a solution to twist my view into something happy. Cause I will always be Twisted, it's my uniqueness but maybe I can Twist Happily.

World View

"Happiness is not the absence of problems, or heartache, but the ability to deal with them."

& That's what I should remember in the middle of the storm. Rain makes rainbows and Lighting lights up the sky. It isn't all so bad. The world wants to Knock you down and make happiness impossible, so maybe you should just twist your WORLD VIEW.

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness such a simple word but so Hard to do when you've been hurt."

I messed up but he forgave me. Told me it was alright, that I couldn't change the past but I did the right thing to fix the future. So everything is alright, right? Wrong!

I can't forgive myself. The memory haunts me and I can't forget the other. He is so forgiving and it makes it worse knowing I hurt someone how loves me so much.

If my soul wasn't so Twisted, I wouldn't have made the mistake and I wouldn't need FORGIVENESS.

Twisted Choices

Yesterday I wrote Unwanted. That's how I felt in the rush of the moment. 24 hours later though, my view has changed. In angry moments being used seemed like the last straw. But truth is I used him too. In the name of lust, I am no better.

Was he really just wanting in my pants? NO
He cared about me, he was just confused on the line between friendship and more. When his girl friend and him at rough times it was easy to run to me, and he didn't know he was doing it. He understood me and always there to help.

Did he tried to Isolate me from my friends? NO
I wanted to shift the blame, I lost my friends because of Me! I'm selfish, Mean, Devious and more. Guess what though... even though I'm all those things he still cared.

Did I make a Mistake? Huge One
I lost another friend and yet again hurt someone I love. My life is twisted because of TWISTED CHOICES and this time reality was better.

Should I fix things? I can't answer this question
I should forgive? God knows I need forgiveness.
It would upset my boyfriend more, but don't I deserve Forgiveness?
And Can anyone Answer these questions?

Unwanted

And just when I trust someone, I notice what they have done to my life. He fueled fire to isolate my friends from me. He only wanted in my pants, just like my real friends said. He got everything he wanted. My friends are gone, and he got in my pants. Then he decided I'm not what he wanted at all... So I guess this twisted soul is left UNWANTED.

Twisted Love

He Loves Her
I Love Him
Typical story right? Wrong!
He loves her though her depression is tearing them apart
I Love another boy but my family and his lifestyle is tearing us apart
They have mixed feelings about each other: lust, friendship & the past
They are exes and close friends
They would be perfect for each other in every way their loved ones aren't
Everybody would Love to see them together
But this is how the story goes:
He Loves Her
I Love Him

This love is not the cure to life people say it is, but it is true love. The difference is when you cross a path with a twisted soul it results in Twisted Love!

He Loves Me...

Love is the bitch life hires for any easy night

He loves me...So he is moving back to where she lives
He loves me...Enough to be jealous of all my Friends
He loves me...But walks out the room when I drop my pants
He loves me...while the lies keep getting bigger
He Loves me...And I love him, that's all that matters!

Wait that last one doesn't make sense, but boy is it true