Dear Lost Love

I'm not sure what you are anymore
Maybe you are the hopes and dreams that escape me.
I don't know but here's what I do know:
1. Your my favorite dream walker, my dreams are incomplete until you show up and cause havok.
2. Some days I stay trapped in memory lane and your the only thing on my mind
3. Days go by, months go by but still I miss you
4. I love you
I'm not sure in what way I love you or why I love you. "Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano." All I know is nothing is the same without you.
- Nix

Dancing Through

"I'm a mess that's the best way to describe it"
The monster is stretching and yawning, it grumbles in my happiness. I want to scream, to cut him loose, to run while there's still time!

"We'll do some drugs, we'll fall in the love, while the world just shrugs"
They tell me I can not scream; they tell me not to stand out. When I do, I'm alone and unseen. When I seek the help I'm a charity case. When I try. . .I just drown in pain. "Let Go, I'll Bring you closer." That's pretty much all I want to hear.

"Every memory walking out the back door"
The old quickly fades away and if it wasn't so intense I'd wonder if it ever actually exist. How can someone that made you whole become a stranger, how can it mean nothing, when for so long it was everything? How you walk away and turn around as if it never happened? Those are questions I'll never know.

"Don't let someone tell you your no one"
Words still haunt me, plague my memory and crush my spirit. "Heartless Bitch!" Am I really? Can I even come across as that or act in that way. I know I react and then think and I can be selfish but does that really make heartless?

So many songs, thoughts and insanity dancing through my happiness, reminding me how the ending always works. Or is it really a circle in a constant battle which we call life?

Same Story Different Boy

Let me tell the you a story of a fallen girl. . .
She had lost her way, the one boy she thought would always be there to hold her and death of a friend seemed to break her. She stopped caring and starting going through the motions. She found a "prince charming" to take all the pain way or at least to hide the pain. He molded her into everything she never wanted to be and she didn't even notice. At the core she was still her but  she was high on his version life, swallowing his ways abounding her friends who didn't understand. They were angry with her, they gave up on her and by the time she noticed the puppet she was everything she promised she'd never be.

Now hear the story of a strong girl . . .
She was determined for a better life, a way out of the poverty and hatred. She was fixing her mistakes and giving mercy to any that would allow her to. She was independent and wanting to change the world. She found a "prince charming" to help her be a better person. He molded her in the ways of right and wrong, while teaching her that she was a bad person in the past. Maybe she already thought that but he pronounced the thought and made her think it real. At the core she was still herself but she struggled to be that better person, she stepped on many friends in the process, debated on changing her looks and faced much hatred. Her friends are angry but since she was already faced the broken girl's story, she refuses now to let them go.   

Yes these stories highlight the same girl. The strong "prince charming" looks down upon the fallen's "prince charming" but are there ethics really that different? Haven't they harmed the girl's self alike?

A Broken Girl with a Pretty Smile

I just want to scream the pain away, to suffocate all these thoughts in between the screams and the damaged pillow. The Monster is boiling my blood, stretching just beneath the skin. It's a devastating cycle of the monster and hope swirling around dueling each other only to come up in an circle of losing and winning or just stalling on another, never reaching satisfaction for long. But of course I hold it all together with a  deceitful smile, fooling others with mislead beauty. I look around for the comfort of so many but only one seems to be around. And even he can't be much comfort. Because his love trashes at my stomach in this knot, with whispering devils reminding you of the similar promise that broke me to begin with. What am I or what are my plans without him? Of course there are answers unlike before but they seem very empty and numb. The mental block is slipping and no one can tell. I'm just a broken girl with a pretty smile.

Never is

I feel the insanity pulsing through my blood, rushing to the skin, waiting to escape. Emotions are high and I can't keep up my block. Drugs enter my mind, it's the ultimate block but I'm not sure it's worth the price I have to pay. I need my friend, he see's the insanity, through the mask and knows the cure. Of course his games tear us apart. If only others would see though he gains his powers through their grudges. If only they could forgive and forget, than he would be powerless. But that is not the problem at stake... This insanity is! I'm drowning in ti and I feel as though there's nothing to hold on to. So many false promises to slow down the insanity, but is it worth it? No, it never is!

Away?

insanity is crawling beneath my skin, I just can't hide from the overwhelming madness! This confident, cool rocker chick character will only last so long. Such a fool to believe this play would last. The truth is I'm insane and the knife offers the balance I need. But will this reveal the actress behind the curtain? Will he walk away or will the insanity push him away?Will things ever be ok?!

Cry For Help

This cry for help cuts me to the soul.
What do you do when a girl confesses her love to you while dealing with major issues and is depending on you BUT you've already moved on? I care about her but what about the guy right here at home? The one I want so badly and ready to trust him this time.... In over my head and this numbing sensation from the current situation leaves me too, Crying Out For Help!

Sex, Drugs And . . . A Hippie Festival

The insanity reached a boiling point... with sex, drugs, and a hippie festival.

I had sex for the first time Saturday with the guy I've been seeing. It wasn't what I expected at all but my body carves more and emotional I feel the attachment I  promised I won't feel. I'm beginning to fall knowing he won't catch.

Trying to avoid drugs with my new friends is a huge joke so again I was smoking Saturday (legal stuff). 10min after sex though we went to find a friend who was smoking pots to only be found by the cops. Thankfully I didn't get in any trouble but my some what boyfriend was charged with possession.

And all this happened at a Hippie festival on Saturday.... It's now Tuesday and  still haven't heard from this guy and my emotions are going haywire. I'm beginning to believe I'll just be another heart in his collection jar.

Nothing More

What is love worth when not acted upon? A simple feeling no greater than Anger or Agony.

Hurt!

I hate confessions!

I hate that I pour my heart out only to have it ripped out!
I hate that I love him with every piece of my broken heart!
I hate not wanting to let go!
I hate that cried in front of my friends over him!
I hate that I can't stop thinking of him!
I hate that he is moving on without me!
But mostly I hate this pain... I'd rather be anger to admit this pain, this sorrow. I wan to be angry!
I Hate that I'm not angry.... Only hurt!

Fixed

wow you actually wrote me a message and to no surprise my boyfriend freaked out. Guess I was a idiot to believe he won't, again your right. And I hate being wrong. There was so much I wanted to say and so little I actually could say. Everything is so messed up in my mind. I care about you and want to be a better friend than I was but I really love him. He means sooo much to me and I wish he could understand what I'm going through. He could be the one, actually now I'm pretty sure he is. I'd love to discus that with you, it would prove how much I've grown. Again I have so much to say but I'm not sure I really can. It's all so confusing and the past is haunting. The things I did, the way I acted was unacceptable! I've hurt three amazing guys and have manged to stay friends with two of them but I lost you. I'm not sure I even want a friendship, mainly I want to hear your doing well. But I will finally admit, never mind I won't. The bridge is burned and I don't know that it can be Fixed.

**This letter is to a guy who will never receive it. We have burned a bridge that might not ever be Fixed!

All Away

"Teach Me Wrong From Right And I'll Show You What I Can Be"

I don't understand the sudden insanity that's pulsing through my veins. Things were doing actually ok and then came these nightmares. I'm half awake for them all causing me a like of energy. Any little thing I have to do seems to hard to bear. With my dreams almost in reach will my insanity rip it All Away?

My Life

"You saw it coming but it hit you out of nowhere"

Got back home from my date and I feel terrible. His foster family was with us and the dad asked the most challenging questions and then reviled a heart breaking decision. My boyfriend has decided to join the Marines, most girl would be proud their guys going to serve the country but not me. That's always been my dream! I'm serving my country when I get out of college so where does that leave us? Two different services and places! That's why I don't attach myself to people cause they always leave. If that's what he wants I won't stop he but I won't let he stop me from joining the Army either for that's all I've ever wanted to do with MY LIFE.

Home Is Hell

"I need You to know I'm not through the Night, Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the Light"

Everyone thinks I'm doing better and I guess I am making progress. I can go to school and be normal, like everyone else. You would never guess anything was wrong with me. My friends love hanging around and I keep my problems to myself. Their happy I can be OK, but they don't see it all.
When I reach my front door I'm the same crazy, chaotic girl everyone stresses over. Every things a mess and my emotions drive me to insanity. I barley notice the tears that fall. The music doesn't drown out the yelling. My brothers anger is to the point I hate being under the same roof and my mothers temper is equal. But there's no where else to go.
Where Do you go when HOME IS HELL?

Notice

"Does anybody hear her, Can anybody see or does anybody even know she's going down today?"

My week was going so good. College is completely different. My best friend is coming home today and my boy friend wasn't ignoring but moving into a different foster home. Football game is tomorrow and I'll be with all my friends.
But the first sentence said was! I missed my shower this morning trying to finish homework for tomorrow (which I didn't finish) and being attacked by my brother. Then I had to leave to hang with my family and my brother wouldn't stop misbehaving. Doesn't sound like to horrible of a morning but I broke down. Got alone and cried, could barley breathe. Felt like everything was falling apart. I waited for the call to say my best friend was home but it's 10:30 tonight and he's still not home.
It's the little things that break me down and the ones around don't even NOTICE.

Take Up My Cross

"Am I mad?"
"Yes but let me tell you a secret...All the best ones are!"


Sometimes I feel the insanity is wasting me away. Back against the wall to the world, alone and afraid. I stand tall though and pretend I can face them on my own. Then another blow hits and I'm down on my knees. While I'm there I bow my head and begin to pray. I find peace and sanity once more. I stand stand back up with the strength to take on the insanity. God is there and I'm not alone. I sometimes forget to fall on my knees during the good times and thank him and the sanity fades away again. I need the strength to always recognize him and TAKE UP MY CROSS.

Depression

I figured out what was wrong with me. I feel relived to know I'm not just crazy and I'm not alone. Depression runs in my family so good chances are that's what I have. So I found treatments without meds.

Exercise
Regular exercise helps you to feel healthier, increases the production of natural "feel good" chemicals in the body, boosts self-esteem and significantly reduces the symptoms of depression, stress and anxiety

Social Support
loneliness is one of the major causes of depression

Talk About It
Writing about your feelings is also therapeutic, so keep a journal, write a book or consult a professional.

Do Nice Things For Yourself
Learn how to say 'No' to others when it is appropriate and 'Yes' to yourself when you need it.

Diet
A carbohydrate rich diet helps the body produce serotonin - the 'feelgood' chemicall

Learn to Relax or Meditate
Relaxation techniques and meditation are easy to learn and are so effective in relieving stress, anxiety, and depression that I wonder why they are not routinely prescribed or even taught as a life skill at school!

Understand Your Symptoms
Symptoms of depression and anxiety are very troublesome, but they are also an 'early warning' signal from your body that something is not right and needs to change.

Feelgood Tip
Without looking loony, make eye contact, smile and greet each person you meet or pass (as long as it's not in a dark alley!). Count how many return your smile. Not only does it feel good to have people smile at you, the facial muscles involved in smiling send messages to the brain, causing an increase in production of natural feelgood brain chemicals!

Maybe after 10 years I have found a solution to twist my view into something happy. Cause I will always be Twisted, it's my uniqueness but maybe I can Twist Happily.

Twisted Choices

Yesterday I wrote Unwanted. That's how I felt in the rush of the moment. 24 hours later though, my view has changed. In angry moments being used seemed like the last straw. But truth is I used him too. In the name of lust, I am no better.

Was he really just wanting in my pants? NO
He cared about me, he was just confused on the line between friendship and more. When his girl friend and him at rough times it was easy to run to me, and he didn't know he was doing it. He understood me and always there to help.

Did he tried to Isolate me from my friends? NO
I wanted to shift the blame, I lost my friends because of Me! I'm selfish, Mean, Devious and more. Guess what though... even though I'm all those things he still cared.

Did I make a Mistake? Huge One
I lost another friend and yet again hurt someone I love. My life is twisted because of TWISTED CHOICES and this time reality was better.

Should I fix things? I can't answer this question
I should forgive? God knows I need forgiveness.
It would upset my boyfriend more, but don't I deserve Forgiveness?
And Can anyone Answer these questions?

Extreme

Anger builds like a kid's energy locked in a candy store
Depression slowly eats away at me like a turtle with it's food
Sanity is long gone along with my life
A Monster is destroying me in the Most EXTREME way
& this is how I live my life!