Dear Lost Love

I'm not sure what you are anymore
Maybe you are the hopes and dreams that escape me.
I don't know but here's what I do know:
1. Your my favorite dream walker, my dreams are incomplete until you show up and cause havok.
2. Some days I stay trapped in memory lane and your the only thing on my mind
3. Days go by, months go by but still I miss you
4. I love you
I'm not sure in what way I love you or why I love you. "Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano." All I know is nothing is the same without you.
- Nix

Never Ending Circle

It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. Life is like a circle that never ends. Some days your on top and some your on bottom and some days your just awkwardly in the middle just hanging there. But hey it's no big deal because if life was a straight line it would be dead.....
Change is always pushing it's way into the surface of normality. You try to cling to familiarity but find yourself only holding the thin air. . . Nothings even there. People come and People go. You grow attached only to be ripped in half and crazily you do it all over again with the next person. What did I tell you, it's a never ending circle.
Your bipolar or manic depressive, your addicted, your out of your mind "but still you try to control it." You wear your mask so well, you soon forget this is just an act, you become the character you've created and the pain becomes real and mistakes are permanent. People fly to Florida just to rid of this story you have put them in and all you do is rewrite the script with a new character. Even your act is never ending circle!
It all comes down to the wire and you forget if your on top or bottom. You face the change as if it it's your demons and you force the curtains to close and play to end so reality can once again take place. Ah but don't worry dear, that only means circle has re-begun. It's one am and I just can't fall asleep. . .

Dancing Through

"I'm a mess that's the best way to describe it"
The monster is stretching and yawning, it grumbles in my happiness. I want to scream, to cut him loose, to run while there's still time!

"We'll do some drugs, we'll fall in the love, while the world just shrugs"
They tell me I can not scream; they tell me not to stand out. When I do, I'm alone and unseen. When I seek the help I'm a charity case. When I try. . .I just drown in pain. "Let Go, I'll Bring you closer." That's pretty much all I want to hear.

"Every memory walking out the back door"
The old quickly fades away and if it wasn't so intense I'd wonder if it ever actually exist. How can someone that made you whole become a stranger, how can it mean nothing, when for so long it was everything? How you walk away and turn around as if it never happened? Those are questions I'll never know.

"Don't let someone tell you your no one"
Words still haunt me, plague my memory and crush my spirit. "Heartless Bitch!" Am I really? Can I even come across as that or act in that way. I know I react and then think and I can be selfish but does that really make heartless?

So many songs, thoughts and insanity dancing through my happiness, reminding me how the ending always works. Or is it really a circle in a constant battle which we call life?

Muse

I found a reason to write a muse if you must say. Pondering if two is better than one. . . The moment where the butterflies are everywhere, the moment where your breath is taken away, the moment you never want to let go. The start of something new, a little awkward or nervous but just that kiss drives it all  away and the only thought your left with is wow. Maybe I can believe that two is better than one. It's worth the risk, so Dear Heart, prepare for an adventure !

Cutting Strings

for an independent person, I sure do always seek out comfort. I like the normal routine of life and usually just go along with whatever but my core is the exact opposite. I look at my tattoo idea and am reminded of my rebellion and everything my youth has stood for. Growing up shouldn't mean changing my views, morals or opinions. I should be loved for who I am not this good girl act. I'm not a dog and I don't want treats for doing good. No is a personal challenge that I always except and I dare someone to challenge me because I'm tired of letting others mold me

Same Story Different Boy

Let me tell the you a story of a fallen girl. . .
She had lost her way, the one boy she thought would always be there to hold her and death of a friend seemed to break her. She stopped caring and starting going through the motions. She found a "prince charming" to take all the pain way or at least to hide the pain. He molded her into everything she never wanted to be and she didn't even notice. At the core she was still her but  she was high on his version life, swallowing his ways abounding her friends who didn't understand. They were angry with her, they gave up on her and by the time she noticed the puppet she was everything she promised she'd never be.

Now hear the story of a strong girl . . .
She was determined for a better life, a way out of the poverty and hatred. She was fixing her mistakes and giving mercy to any that would allow her to. She was independent and wanting to change the world. She found a "prince charming" to help her be a better person. He molded her in the ways of right and wrong, while teaching her that she was a bad person in the past. Maybe she already thought that but he pronounced the thought and made her think it real. At the core she was still herself but she struggled to be that better person, she stepped on many friends in the process, debated on changing her looks and faced much hatred. Her friends are angry but since she was already faced the broken girl's story, she refuses now to let them go.   

Yes these stories highlight the same girl. The strong "prince charming" looks down upon the fallen's "prince charming" but are there ethics really that different? Haven't they harmed the girl's self alike?

Left Behind

As school ends I see our friendship following suit. We can't blame the seasons, the drugs, the lust or even the miles apart. We both will soon reap what we have separately sowed. Your path is leading towards disaster as mine is an endless sky of possibilities. He will not make my decisions though your mattress skills so often make yours. My mind is clear and alert while yours is lost in a smoke screen of ignorance. You coast through life as I begin to awaken from the haze. I fear I have much to leave behind and our cozy friendship is just one of the many cherished memories I leave behind on the road that leads to nowhere.

Check Your Heart

I don't understand how you claim to be a christian set apart from those believers who act wordly as though they know not God but then turn around and condemn someone to hell for their wrong doings. That was never God's love nor is it a way to present yourself as a follower of Christ! This is what leads people away.
A man stands on trail for death row, he murdered your friend and others. So now he deserves to burn in hell for all eternity He soul is worthless to you but what is his soul to God? Does God not love him as his own and sent his son to die for him.
Peter was one of the closet disciple to Christ. Yet before he turned to Christ he murdered people. One of those could have been your friend or your loved one. Does that mean Peter should burn in hell? A disciple that followed after God's own heart, has books in the Bible and deserves hell.
If that was the case we all deserve hell. But Jesus paid that price for that murderer, not just u and me. So please check our heart. No One deserves hell, just ask Jesus.

Insane

The Old me is slipping up again, the insanity is rising just above the skin.
The lust is capturing
The wrath is vindictive
The attention is thriving
The habits are tempting

Where do you draw the line? Where do you say this is ok, it's me and when is it ok to say that's not who I am and it should change? Or am I just Insane?

Stop the Games!

"The way you move is like a full on rain storm and I'm a house of cards"

You are everything I use to hate but somewhere along the way I found a pretty cool friend to do crazy shit with. I wrote a blog sometime a go called "Typical or Not-so-Typical Teenager" about how he should've been the one I liked instead of his best friend.

STOP! I began writing this yesterday with a different mind set. I'm tired of all the drama and the crap over a single guy that's hardly around. What the hell am I fighting for??? A guy that plays nothing but mind games, drugs and sex???

Lies are so easy to fall into but in the morning sun so easy to catch! If you want to be a part of this Twisted life, PROVE IT!

Stop the Games!

It's Time Again to Run Away

Have I truly lost myself?
I spent Friday in my room and most likely today too.
What happen to all my thousand friends, Did I give them all away for a guy???
I keep changing or more like pushing the insanity back...
I live one life with him and another at school (the only time I see my friends)
James is gone, Bay is Gone... Ry and Chris are never around, Zack is gone, Latasha is gone, "the group" is becoming less of a hang out and more of a annoyance.
That leaves me 6 friends and 3 hours a week.....
WHOA! My friends went from everything to 3 out of 168 hours,180 out of 10080mins
Where's the times those numbers were about even and why are they slipping away?
What do I do, where do I try and please someone stop me from running away!

Never is

I feel the insanity pulsing through my blood, rushing to the skin, waiting to escape. Emotions are high and I can't keep up my block. Drugs enter my mind, it's the ultimate block but I'm not sure it's worth the price I have to pay. I need my friend, he see's the insanity, through the mask and knows the cure. Of course his games tear us apart. If only others would see though he gains his powers through their grudges. If only they could forgive and forget, than he would be powerless. But that is not the problem at stake... This insanity is! I'm drowning in ti and I feel as though there's nothing to hold on to. So many false promises to slow down the insanity, but is it worth it? No, it never is!

Masking Insanity

Insanity remains just beneath the skin. You can ignore for it is not seen but what about the night? Can you smile through the agony when no one's there? Can you laugh at the memories your forced to leave behind? Am I really speaking about this in third person like it isn't me. Like I'm this amazing girl, with this amazing change and amazing friends. News Flash... That's NOT me!!! I miss my crazy friends, i can't walk away from the memories, the tears pour every night this game goes on. I miss my old friends, I miss being care free and rebellious, I'm losing my twisted view to conform to god knows what! A good christian life, is that what God even called me to do? I thought my mission was to heal the broken by standing with them, by showing the love in the mist of danger and adrenaline. The drugs made things easier to handle but my back bone has been destroyed and I handle everything by bottling it up? What happens when the insanity rips through the surface and takes back what's rightful its? What will happen when all that's left is the broken rebel she always was. When the curtains draw back and the actress is uncovered will the audience leave?

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,
You know what....I'm Done!

The past no longer has an effect on me nor do the people I'm leaving behind in that past. Another step forward without looking back. In my twisted reality there is always room for change and a light to guide me. Jesus is the way and the truth. Better than any lust, drug or sin of this world

xoxo,
Twisted

P.s - oh yeah and Heart be prepared for a roller coaster cause I meet this guy and yeah you can guess the rest!

Numbing of the Pain

Getting over you or use to the pain?

5 a.m wake up, I survived another day with no tears for you...
That old song brought up memories for a second but they faded...
That cute girl drives me absolutely crazy...
Our text messages no longer leave a gashing hole...

But I'm afraid it's just the Numbing of the Pain

Twisted Thoughts

So I told him he had to prove himself and no shit guess what...
he is actually trying to do exactly that :O
Didn't see that coming....
He is coming over in the am so stay tuned for for twisted thoughts

Change

My heart forgave you in assumptions that you had walked away for good. Now you throw around promises with whiskey on your breath, I would say come back sober but your more truthful, more you in this state of mind. This awkward punk rock chick is fencing  between her old life with your drugs and her new life that seems to be coming together. Easy choice right, of course but temptation's pressure grows and my heart wants to believe that you could change. 

Second Chance

You and I walk a fragile line I have know this all the time but I never thought I'd see it break"

I feel like apologizing to everyone lately. The past is very haunting, looking back I can't even believe that it was me doing those things. Everyone was just a pawn in my twisted game. The aftermath though is a lose. The people I step over deserve so much better and I hate that they keep forgiving me. Can't they see I'm no good, that they are wonderful guys that deserve the best and not some twisted girl. I love my boyfriend and everything was going so well. The letters to Daniel didn't bother him at all but I'm sure the new responses do. I can't lose him, He is my other half, the one I love and everything important to me. But Daniel was an amazing friend that I... never mind that's not the point. What if we could be friends again? Love and Loyalty are put to the test, can I defeat my own game by stopping playing games or am I even worth the second chance?

Fixed

wow you actually wrote me a message and to no surprise my boyfriend freaked out. Guess I was a idiot to believe he won't, again your right. And I hate being wrong. There was so much I wanted to say and so little I actually could say. Everything is so messed up in my mind. I care about you and want to be a better friend than I was but I really love him. He means sooo much to me and I wish he could understand what I'm going through. He could be the one, actually now I'm pretty sure he is. I'd love to discus that with you, it would prove how much I've grown. Again I have so much to say but I'm not sure I really can. It's all so confusing and the past is haunting. The things I did, the way I acted was unacceptable! I've hurt three amazing guys and have manged to stay friends with two of them but I lost you. I'm not sure I even want a friendship, mainly I want to hear your doing well. But I will finally admit, never mind I won't. The bridge is burned and I don't know that it can be Fixed.

**This letter is to a guy who will never receive it. We have burned a bridge that might not ever be Fixed!

Foolishly Burned

I hope your doing well & by the way thanks! I finally enlisted yesterday just like you said I would. I gave up on my self so many times but you never did, you knew I would make it. Everyone is so proud of me and I'm just eating up all the attention. I know though you'd be prouder than any of them because you understand everything I went through, in fact you went through a lot of the same things.
I hope the Navy is everything you hoped for and more! I hope you made lots of friends and excelled in p.t. and everything else they threw your way. I'm sure you did though you are amazing and have tons of determination. I wish we hadn't burned this bridge but I won't admit I miss you.
Things are Going Well here and I hope it is there too.

This letter is to an amazing guy you will never get for the bridges we Foolishly Burned !