Let me Go

I'm in search of something real. And to final face my fear I have to say maybe that's not you. I need you to let me go because I just can't walk away and you won't let me either. Our generation is focused on hook ups and drama but that's not what I want. I don't want to look back on waste time and regret my life. I need to break free of our memories and stop holding on to childish dreams. I need to take chances on something real instead of wasting life on an unrealistic fantasy. Your my childhood fairy tale but Im not a princess, I'm a small town girl trying to find her place in this world. It ain't far to keep me hanging around saying that you care while you watch me drown. We both say were heart broken and given up on love but there's a differences. You have friends and people to support you. You have other people you are close to you. But all I ave is you. My parents didn't want me, my friends don't really care and the worst part of it all is my other "best friends" don't even know me. I spent my whole life based around you and know I'm broken. It's 3 am pouring rain and my cigarette is going out. The songs tonight are sad, like I have been for several months. I've become good at faking while at night I pray for daylight. I'm search for something real and If that's not you please Let me Go!    

Upside Down World

When did everything turn upside down and how do i fix it? You were suppose to be the one. The whole cute best friends realizing that the right person was there all a long. But you just tossed me aside like oh yeah I had sex with her, end of story. What kinda person does that. I sit in my room and cry until he fixes it. he's not suppose to fix. I hate him; he betrayed me. He made a bet on virginity and almost got me arrested. With him it was drugs and drama but now look how he makes me smile while you create the drama. This is too weird! World please turn right side up again!

Best Friends

I guess we just dont get it. Its not about dating, its about being best friends. Can we go back to blasting youtube videos in the car at midnight? Can we go back to JROTC with all our friends and the inside jokes. Because really black hawk down is terrifying! Can we go back to the airshow? Or your 21st birthday at the mall and hooters? Remember you dancing on the table? Can we go back to running when I'd scream I'd hate you a thousand times and you'd make me keep running anyways? It always ended with me telling you I love you after we crossed the finish line. Can we go back to you giving me your jacket because it was freezing even though I refused it? I want you to blast your car radio in an empty parking lot and attempt to teach me to dance though it's a lost cause. I want to go back to my first ever slow dance in the 9th grade when the cute boy said I couldn't go the whole Military Ball without dancing. I want to fight over candy in my bedroom. I'd even take a famous Ryan lecture right now. I could use someone to tell me how silly I acted yesterday. I want my best friend back. All this craziness about dating is stupid, cause in the end your my bff.

The Little-Things-Ism

I've had it wrong all this time. Life is about the little things. It's about the wind in your hair as you enjoy the beauty of the mountains and the rivers. Its about laughing and worshiping. Its about living a thousand lives through books. Its about the songs that make you smile and the ones that make you cry. Its about your faults and your failures. Its about where you go and what your potential is.

He said "I love you but its the extent that's complicated."
What he doesn't understand is the extent is what is all about. Its about the extend of much much you enjoy the wind in your hair. Its about the extent you listen to lyrics of your favorite songs. Its about the extend you worship and how often your truly picking up your cross and carrying it. Its the extent you smoke and drink but more importantly its the extent you accept your failures.

The Little-Things-Ism is the philosophy we overlook. Life is about enjoying the tiny moments that pass by in a blink of an eye. Its about loving with all your heart the things and people who make you smile. Its about worshiping a God that's love has no extent, that stretches as far as the east is from the west. What it's not about is boys and searching for a person who will complete you. Look around, you are complete, through every small detail that makes you beautiful. That's what you should focus on. So put done the phone, turn off Facebook and go for a walk. Notice everything beautiful, including yourself.

The Chapter I was so Blind to

Can I just erase this whole chapter of my life? This place and all the faces, just erased. Star over, look at the scenery different and do the detailed character profile of different characters. Maybe focus more on the nerdy girl next to me in class, or the broken guy that made me feel at home. Maybe even the cute guy in drama class or the average girl in my lit class.

I wrote this months ago. It wasn't the secondary characters that were the problem. It was me. The main character had transformed into a monster.  

Lost

I ventured into the city ready to take on the world, but what happened? I stepped into a city, a shy but outgoing girl who kept her head in books and wore her heart on her sleeve. She was praised for her loyalty and ability to overcome challenges. Where did that girl end up? What happened to her? The girl in the mirror now is green with envy and the first one to yell a hurtful word. She became a monster, that she created. She pushed away the most amazing boy with all her new fears. She spit venom at the girl that wanted nothing but a friend. She made it all about her to the guy that just wanted someone to listen. She became a monster to her a friends. She drank to forget the pain, instead of rising above it. She cut down others to lift her self up. She stopped reading to party. She became the girl she had always made fun of. She became her own worst enemy. Who is this girl in mirror? She owes apologies for what this monster has done and she needs to find herself again. Where am I? What have I done?
Its time to say sorry and go back to my books, my writing. I miss that shy girl with the crazy emotions that just made her so real and lovable. I'm sorry to myself but more so to all the people i hurt along the way. Summer is a time for winding down and finding the bookworm that I lost. next fall will be a completely different story. I promise.

Can't

I can't do it. I try and try but can't seem to do it. Breaking free seems ideal when I'm away but a disaster when I am here.Who else would I run to? I'll eventually figure it out, but at what cost? When its too late to stay unattached (or can i even claim still, that I am unattached) will I just fall apart once again The viscous cycle of love and hurt and damage and betrayal stings but still yet I keep it going. Co-dependent on another person that won't save me, can't save me. I just can't do it though.  

Confessions of a Bunburyist

Have you ever felt like your living double lives? Like you become stuck in this mundane routine even with it's psychopathic tendencies. Wake Up. Half ass your classes. But wish for an A. Don't break down. Go Home. Take a nap. Deal with drama. See boyfriend. Even if you don't like him. Let him comfort you. Even if it's fake. Wish to go home. Fall asleep. Repeat. I fucking hate it. Every last single second of it, I hate. But if I break routine I feel sick, light headed. I become confused, disoriented. I fucking hate it. Every last second of it, I hate. So I run to another place, with another face. I"m the girl he says is so pretty. I'm the girl he just wants to hold. He says i'm smart and I can get through it. But this is just one night. I hate that. Morning comes and i'm sick. But i wake up. Half ass my classes. It goes on and on. But why? Why can't i just be his girl? Why do I have to lie? have to hide? I fucking hate it,  Every last second of it, I hate!

The One

I've learned people come and people go
And not too many stick around.
I've learned this can turn a person cold
And cause too much misery.

But I've also learned. . .
Not to let the negative define you.
That it's easy to give up. .
But more fulfilling to move forward.

So many people just walk away,
And I use to just shut down
Every single fucking time,
But not this time. . .

This time, I realize some people
are just that way.
Some people just aren't worth the time,
But they'll be others.

Life is full of twist and turns,
Doubts and plenty of confusion.
Don't get me wrong,
Having walls are fine.

But eventually you'll find,
the one one willing to stay.
The one that is patient,
and see's past those carefully built walls.

Do not lose hope,
but stay selective.
So many will leave,
But its worth the one that stays

Never

I can never explain to you why sometimes I'm quite, why sometimes there's no words to say and I seem distant. But you can listen to the dial tone one more time and see that image burned in your head just one more time and maybe then you'll start to understand why sometimes I'm quite. Maybe you can bounce around from friends to friends, just attempting to find someone who will stay. Maybe if you hold all my shattered remains and read each story, each individual piece holds, you'll see why I can never explain why sometimes I just walk away. If you look into my eyes, you will see all the past loves and lies and the hurt would not seem so distant. Maybe all of that would be too much to understand though because you are not broken. You have not fought to remain walking towards the light. You will never know, no matter how much you try. . .

Life Storm

"Don't kiss me if your afraid of thunder. My life is a storm.
-Anita krizzan
I want to hide away from the warm feeling. Your smile is dazzling but my lighting is devastating. Good things never last long and sane people always walk away.
They say time can heal a broken heart but it can also break a waiting heart. So what if I'm a broken girl waiting for someone to stay.. Can I shattered more than I already have? Can so much normalcy and goodness shattered what's left of my heart? Can a person really pick themselves up from devastation or do they just remain stuck in misery?
"How do you run from what's inside your head?"
I could write a novel pondering this very question. If my monster is in my mind, how do I defeat him? In a world where angels crave chaos and demons seek peace, how do we survive? When our vices become vipers, how do we stand back up? When the blood is pouring out like the showers during a thunderstorm, can you bear to stay?
Please don't kiss me like that if your afraid of thunder. This storm is quite a life.

Last Goodbye

Hey you,
I never got a chance to explain. Please give me a second to speak up. Weeks, months went by in a struggling relationship. A roommate that hates me and a boyfriend that didn't trust me. Stress levels sky rocketed with no one to turn to. I felt alone for the first time in my life with no where to turn in a unfamiliar city. My manic episodes increased as my sanity decreased by day, hour, minute. I am no longer fit for a relationship, I'm scared and finding myself lashing out again. I find myself clinging to the only people that are there for me, even if that's an unpopular decision. Would you stay in a relationship that added to your stress and desires to abuse an addiction? yeah well that was my deciding question, the longer I waited to tell you, the worse I felt. But your life was busy and stressful, I didn't want to add to it. I love you, or I thought at one point I did. Maybe it was the comfortable feeling I fell in love with. I am sorry but this relationship wasn't going anywhere. You can hate him or blame us but it's not him. Yes I admit there's feelings there, feelings I've tried to squash but really i just want to be 21. i want to drink, fall in lust, make mistakes and have the time of my life. You need someone more stable and mature. I'm sorry this didn't work out the way we planned but thanks for the memories!
Sincerly,
The Girl Who Never Meant To Hurt You

The Left Behind

Why is my first notion always to run, To disappear from sight and leave the guy left behind? So easily I break away from everyone that lets me in, I cant seem to respond properly or let them in, in return. I build soo many invisible walls that no one every notices and it's deceitful! I hear the whispers of another girl but I know there not true. I feel the breaking of my cool as I'm belittled one more time, but yet I continue to hold in my feelings. I see the distrust that keeps me away from friends but don't i deserve it? So many easy reasons to leave but if I do what am I leaving behind?

What I can't seem to say. . .

Why can't I just tell you how I feel? I sit there motionless, listening but unable to speak. I can't form coherent thoughts to respond, I can only listen to you pledding for me to say something, anything. My brain just shuts down under the overwhelleming emotions that I just can't feel. Then when I eventually sort through my emotions, I'm too afraid to respond. I am not the fearless, confident girl that you see. I am a broken girl that is scared to share her emotions, scared to speak up for her beliefs but mostly just afraid of one more person leaving her all alone.
So how I feel:
    I feel as though addiction is just an excuss. Hear me out. I've struggled with cutting since I was 13. That's 8 real years of addiction, I am in no way belittling the struggle of addiction, I understand. But at the same time it's a very conscious decison to make. Withdraw is hard, it sucks but so does losing sooo much from addiction. I realize axiety is a real issue, just as any mental issue is real, especially to the person dealing with it. I also realize many people face the same issues every day and do not use any type of medicine. I not saying you shouldn't use your prescription, I'm saying there is no excuss for abusing it. We all bleed the same way. I'm in no way trying to belittle your problems but there is better ways to deal with them.
   Everyone comes with a set of issues, it makes them human. I would never consider leaving someone because they fall short, because they have flaws. But we should strive to overcome our shortcomings. I don not intend to stay with a person who is unable to grow and work on their issues. To say "It'll probably happen again," means your just giving up. It's ok to try your best to overcome your issues and to fail, as long as you get back up and try again. Have a game plan and try to stick to it. You'll be suprised how supportive people are when they see you actually trying to better yourself.
   While I'm on my soap box I might as well tell you I'm struggling with issues too. I'm hiding behind esxuces and poorly justifing to make myself feel better. I struggle to rise above earthly desires. I know how God feels about it but I turn my back on his feelings for a little pleasure. It's so wrong but I continue to find pleasure in it. The bibile clearly states sex outside of marraige is sin and is wrong. I stand and say God, break my heart for what breaks yours (and then silently think well except...) and it's about to time to stand up and actually mean it. I don't want to have sex anymore (not an easy thing to commit to).

I'm a broken girl, who is very scared of your reaction to theses raw emotions and thoughts. But I trust in God that they are the right emotions and thoughts, so I will stand by them. Hopefully you can understand.

Decide

Irrational, yeah I am, more than your average girl.
That's no reason to dismiss my feelings and belittle me though.
     My whole life I've put up with snide remarks and people that are suppose to care overlooking my "dramatic feelings." I'm pretty much done with that. I know my feeling are extreme and silly at times but that's actually how it feels to me. I can't help it, its called BIPOLAR. It's a disease, I can't cure it.
    Therefore if you want to be in this twisted life, then you have to deal with it. No you don't have to agree with it but at least show compassion instead of putting up an argument in the middle of my thought process. My emotions, extreme as they are, feel so real to me and they are NOT to be belittled. I need people in my life that can understand that statement.
   I'm done with people that can't handle this, So decided if your with me or if your walking away like so many before you.

Twisted Story

Darling your begging is quite repulsive, it's too late to ride your white horse in to save the day. I be damned if you think I'll be a pretty princess all helpless and just looking for you to complete my life. My story should be focused on me, not some Prince who is "better than thou" or that crap. Id rather be Mulan and go out and fight. Id rather my story be about me and my adventures, maybe I just want to save the day myself. Im done with this, with you. This isn't love and life isn't a fairytale! This is small town USA and just a another rebellious chick with a Twisted Soul.

Have you ever...

Have you ever wanted to just be someone else? The thought of getting in your car and driving to a new location where your name is unknown and your face is just a mystery. Where you can be whoever you want to be, dye your hair, change your clothes and just be someone else. That seems to be my dream way to often but then I see a shooting star.
Have you ever wished you could be that bright playful person you were before your innocence was ripped away? Or maybe you just want to go back to where every night was something new, you just jumped in the passenger seat and went wherever. You smiled and laughed and learned new games. The winter where the cold wasn't too bad and leaves blowing were inspirational, along with the brown guitar.
Have you ever wanted to thank someone for memories? Someone that's no longer around and neither is the feeling but just a moment of those butterflies were enough to last a lifetime. Remember driving around with no place to go or walking the beach at night.
Does the radio ever put you right back into that place? Like right now "Red" is reminding me of all the passion. Ever wonder if you were onto something when you thought life was something more than just yourself, the notion two is better than one? Ever wanted matching jerseys but afraid one would be better than the other?

Ever wonder what would've happened if things were different? If drugs didn't exist and a heart could break even. Ever wanted to just go out drinking and have a good time to forget it all?
I do, all of these, I do. I write to admit my feelings, to banish my pride, to say I'm sorry!

Tiring

Its a cycle of emotional damange
Love and worry and pain and happiness and sadness and worry. Wow its tiring

Hope

If you had one chance
, would you take? Even if the chances were slim would u still try? I'm holding on to a single thread knowing hope will carry we through. Love prevails

First love,

Maybe nothing is suppose to be same. If I want new results I have to venture into the unknown. Maybe you were my guide but now its time to step out and make you proud. Goodbye my love, you will always be a cheerished memory. Here's to first loves memories and lifes journey. Cheers!